Harvard is perennially behind the curve, it seems. We still have finals in January. The administration only recently jumped on the study-abroad bandwagon. The women’s bathrooms still look vaguely temporary. But, perhaps most importantly, metrosexuality has only recently become ubiquitous among Harvard males. Hello? Can you say “three years ago?”

I suppose I should be surprised that metrosexuality has taken hold at all at Harvard, considering our school’s seeming devotion to the glories of the Victorian male animal and all of its classical accoutrements (cigars, uncomfortable chairs, et cetera). Why is it, then, that there are hordes of men meandering around the square sporting tight, flat-front pants?

As a heterosexual woman, I was confused in my initial months here. Suddenly, I felt as though I was in a parallel universe, much like a Cantabrigian, live-theater re-enactment of “Labyrinth,” starring David Bowie. TFs that I thought were gay would strangely have wives. Men in scarves smoked cigarettes with a Dorothy Parker-esque aplomb outside the Barker Center. And despite its lack of all food products, Café Pamplona was constantly mobbed. The normal laws of physics did not seem to apply.

Then, I realized that metrosexuality was afoot. For the uninitiated, allow me to offer this brief definition of the phenomenon: Metrosexuality is a set of fashion choices designed to simultaneously confuse and attract heterosexual women, usually through the revival of matching accessories and uncomfortable shoes. Beyond this broad definition, however, metrosexuality is rife with variation.

Someone of an empirical mind must make a valiant effort to classify some of these variations. Thus, I have compiled a typology of the three main categories of metrosexuality at work (or, one might argue, “working it”) on the Harvard campus. They are listed below, with accompanying HAP-Q (Heterosexual/Availability Probability Quotient) ratings out of 1000:

The Classic Metrosexual: This specimen is one of the easiest metrosexuals to identify. He is often swathed in Banana Republic sweaters and ever-so-tight trousers. Often, these men look vaguely European, and sometimes drink extremely small cups of coffee that are doubtless incredibly strong. Possibly his hair is highlighted. HAP-Q: 532.8 (Heterosexual, but available only to Victoria Beckham)

The Academic Metrosexual: This genus is also a common type, normally personified by grad students in the English Department. These men sometimes wear oxford shirts, which can be paired with sweaters and/or dark wash jeans. Their bags, which probably contain Rimbaud and Jack Daniels, are strikingly large and resemble overgrown purses. Sometimes Academic Metrosexuals don’t shave and often their hair is slightly too asymmetrical or long to be fashionable. They get a big bang out of drinking Peet’s Coffee because the cups (and, one might argue, the coffee) are made out of recycled material. HAP-Q: 821.73 (Available, but “straight” only in the sense that Henry Miller was “straight.”)

The Preppy Metrosexual: These men are usually found in Finals Clubs or reading newspapers with their legs crossed. They occasionally sport pink polo shirts with popped collars, cashmere sweaters, and belts with spouting whales on them. They also wear Madras Pants and loafers. Without irony. They can play rugby when asked. If they drink coffee (instead of a neat whiskey at bedtime), they go to Starbucks and order a Caramel Macchiato. HAP-Q: 999.9 (Highly available—they will marry you and subsequently have homosexual affairs).

These three types are merely the most glaring forms of metrosexuality on the Harvard campus. Indeed, almost every Harvard male has incorporated some of the aesthetic. Even some math majors have foregone their Zelda t-shirts and flood pants and embraced the niceties of a crisp white oxford and leather satchels.

As a fashion columnist (really, the highest form of modern anthropologist), I regard metrosexuality with mixed feelings. Of course, in many ways it’s a sign of societal progress. According to the well-known mathematical principles of Harrington’s Law, any increase in awareness of fashion trends benefits society as a whole. And by society, I mean me.

However, metrosexuality has hidden dangers: when taken to its logical extreme, one can end up looking more like Ricky Martin than Richard Gere. If those cultural references seem dated, there’s a reason. Metrosexuality is, like, so totally 1999.

However, if you must dwell among this endangered species, I offer…

Three Helpful Tips



1) Do not wear clothes that are too tight. This universal maxim for women applies to men as well. Clothing that shows the exact outline of your cellulite is never sexy.

2) Subtlety is the key to gaining respect. Shirts with a print on them either make you look like Chiquita Banana or an awning.

3) Confidence is the key to carrying off metrosexuality with elegance instead of vanity. Act as if you always dressed this way, instead of acting like peer pressure made you succumb. Even though it obviously did. Clearly, you didn’t dress this way in Iowa.

—Staff writer Rebecca M. Harrington can be reached at harring@fas.harvard.edu.