Pointing out that Harvard is better than Yale is like pointing out that it’s really cold in Cambridge in January: it’s perennially true, to the point that it’s trite and, frankly, boring.

We’re not above that.

We are, however, above repeating the fact in the same way every year, and so, every year, we try to mix it up a little bit and find new ways to point out the inherent inferiority of Yalies. We’d hate for them to get complacent. So, this year, rather than simply writing the usual vaguely clever but mostly lame jokes and value judgments that infer that Yale sucks, we’re going to try something different. We’ve assembled some numbers that prove, empirically, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Yale sucks. A lot.

So, to Harvard students: pat yourselves on the back, like you do every morning. Yalies: weep.

THE STATS

Rhodes Scholars, 1947-2005

Harvard: 315

Yale: 163

Edge: Harvard, though we wish we had Bill Clinton.

Affiliated Nobel Prize Winners

Harvard: 75

Yale: 23

Edge: Harvard; world peace.

Number of sitting Supreme Court Justices educated

Harvard: 6

Yale: 1

Edge: Harvard, and also a certain Yale alumnus (see Bush v. Gore, 2000).

Number of U.S. Presidents educated

Harvard: 7

Yale: 5

Edge: Harvard; free society.

Real Estate Holdings

Harvard: 4,882 acres

Yale: 925 acres

Edge: Harvard, but not Cambridge (think: taxes).

Number of Libraries

Harvard: more than 90

Yale: 22

Edge: Nerds at both institutions.

Number of Library Books

Harvard: about 15.4 million

Yale: about 11.4 million

Edge: See previous.

Number of Museums

Harvard: 13

Yale: 5

Edge: Harvard; old, expensive objects.

Age of Institution

Harvard: 369 years

Yale: 304 years

Edge: Harvard. As illustrated above, we value old things. We also have Sam Huntington.

Acceptance Rate

Harvard: 9.1%

Yale: 9.7%

Edge: Harvard. Egos thrive on exclusivity.

Admissions Yield

Harvard: 78%

Yale: 68%

Edge: Harvard; applicants on Yale’s wait-list.

City Air Pollution Index (lower is better)

Cambridge: 75

New Haven: 96

Edge: Harvard; our lungs.

City Property Crime Risk (lower is better)

Cambridge: 102

New Haven: 255

Edge: Harvard; people stealing in New Haven; people who own things at Harvard.



So, there we have it: conclusive, empirical proof that Harvard is top-shelf, while Yale is somewhere in the middle shelves, maybe even in the musty pantry in the basement. We have more books, more land, cleaner air, a block on the Supreme Court, and so many Nobel Prize winners, we don’t know what to do with ourselves.

Surely, if we could mine a statistic on modesty, we would own you there, too, Yale—much in the same way that we’ll own you tomorrow on the gridiron.