Dear Nikki,

Everyone thinks my roommate is so beautiful, and even though I’m good friends with her, I find myself jealous and angry at her. Any suggestions?

—Frustrated Freshman

Jealousy is certainly among the more pernicious sentiments. And while some of us are more susceptible to envy than others, we all find ourselves—at some point or another—resenting friends, celebrities, significant others, or even random people on the street. What’s more, if you don’t take the time to handle these feelings quickly, they may begin to interfere with you in an unhealthy way.

Jealousy almost always stems from deep-seated insecurity. No matter what the situation, relentlessly comparing yourself to someone else reflects a lack of centeredness, especially when you are constantly assessing your best friend. Of course, it’s natural to look around a room to compare and contrast (I’ll admit it, people-watching is one of my most favorite pastimes), but it’s another thing to have a friendship based in part on jealousy. You should not feel you need to look outwards to gauge your own “status,” “image,” or “progress.”

One thing you have to learn, especially at Harvard, is that you absolutely cannot compare yourself to other people. No matter what, you will always find someone that has a better understanding of quantum mechanics, a more even tan, or more shiny hair. If your energy is always focused outwards, there will be nothing left for you: constant self-doubt is, frankly, very tiring.

And, let’s think about it…what is beauty? Maybe your roommate has gotten some more attention. But where will that get her? Maybe there’s a certain image of beauty portrayed in the media, but my weekly “People Magazine studying” has taught me that even if you are Jennifer Aniston, there will always be an Angelina Jolie.

Beauty is about how you feel. For me, the definition of beauty is authentic confidence. Being happy with yourself is the only way to be better than everybody else, if that makes any sense. So be yourself, because no one else can do it better.

Sincerely,

Nikki, who doesn’t like the color green


Dear Nikki,

I feel like I’ve never really been able to connect with my boyfriend. No matter what, he doesn’t communicate his feelings to me, I never know what he’s thinking about things, and I always feel confused. I feel silly addressing these problems to him because he hasn’t done anything concretely wrong. Any suggestions?

—Unfulfilled and Unimpressed

Your question points to a rampant problem in relationships: the inability to really communicate. Whether it’s a fledgling relationship that is primarily based on drunken hook-ups, a more long-term relationship that has lost its lust, or a marriage where the partners have failed to “reconnect” throughout changes over the years, this “emotional pathway” between two people is hard both to achieve and to maintain.

First of all, if you and your boyfriend are not relating to one another in general, you should of course bring it up with him, even if it’s uncomfortable. Just because you can’t point to a specific thing he did wrong, it doesn’t mean your feelings don’t warrant a conversation.

Communication is key to a healthy relationship, and if he can’t communicate, chances are you don’t really want to build a relationship with him anyway.

If it’s your boyfriend’s feelings toward you that have you stumped, even if there is not “empirical evidence” that something is amiss, you should confront him because your feelings are genuine and important.

You need to evaluate, for yourself and with your boyfriend, what you want out of the relationship. If you are both fine with it being a casual, low-key type of thing, then that’s fine. Have fun, do what you do, and don’t worry so much.

But if you feel you need something more from him, or vice-versa, this is something you definitely need to talk about with him. If he can respond and relate to your feelings, then that is valuable. The two of you will be able to either decide whether you want to work at a better connection or whether it would be best to take some time apart. If he doesn’t seem to understand what you’re saying, however, there may be more serious problems (note: this does not apply to foreign students).

One thing that I think many at Harvard suffer from is a low EQ. Yes, emotional intelligence can be just as important, if not more so, than the IQ, which supposedly contributed to our getting into this place to begin with.

The capacity to put our feelings into words and to relate them to someone else with integrity and care is something we could all use some more of. Emotional literacy may be a quality that your boyfriend is lacking, so maybe don’t take his silence to heart.

Remember that relationships take time and energy, and that this is a learning experience for both of you. Make sure you confront your feelings and the people involved in your life rather than being passive about how you feel. In the end, you (and your boyfriend) will be in a better place, even if it means two separate places.

Sincerely,

Nikki, who’s going as a columnist for Halloween.

—“Dear Nikki” runs on Mondays. Send letters to DearNikki@thecrimson.com. Letters will be published anonymously.