Cheek or Chic?

The sun was hovering over the horizon like a fiery orange UFO as Dartboard made his way to 6 p.m. Gov. section. There was a note on the door: “Section will be held outside, so we can take advantage of the great weather!” Thinking the exclamation point was a bit too much, Dartboard made his way outside, anticipating staying awake for all of section (for once) thanks to the anti-soporific effects of the cool evening breeze.

Horror of horrors! Arrayed cross-legged in a circle around Dartboard’s indomitable teaching fellow were three of the girls in his section. They were sporting jeans in the latest style—low-rise.

Low-rise jeans were popularized a couple years ago by female pop-stars and movie icons, all of whom shared the same svelte body type. But the girls in Dartboard’s section weren’t exactly Britney Spears around the waist.

Dartboard couldn’t avert his eyes as a full foot of flesh (among the three of them) stared him square in the face. Their low-rise jeans, pushed even lower by their vain attempts to fit into clothes evidently sized for their pop idols, were hiked up just enough to show some modesty while standing up. But the mechanics of sitting had changed them into exhibitionists. Dartboard’s eyes were burning.

Females already have cleavage that many people, including Dartboard, wouldn’t mind seeing 12 inches of. Seemingly unsatisfied with the status quo, however, too many members of the fairer sex have opted for more. Only this new sort of cleavage is far less to Dartboard’s liking. It’s so evil a town in Louisiana is near to passing a law against it. Dartboard rallies behind men from this town like Westwego City Councilman Glenn Green, who said simply, “I don’t relish seeing the beginning of the crease of people’s buttocks.” Neither does Dartboard, dammit.

So women, Dartboard knows that some of you think this cleavage is fashionable, even sexy. New $100-plus jeans manufactured specifically to exhibit “the creases of people’s buttocks” are selling like hotcakes. And Dartboard knows that almost every woman is able to show this kind of cleavage off—the playing field is leveled for the first time. Despite all this, Dartboard implores the female population to reconsider this new fashion trend.

—ALEX SLACK