Crumby Code of Conduct

Finals are just around the corner. But beware, my diligent students! Before feverishly cramming the libraries this reading period, be prepared to spend long hours studying sans food and drink. Sneaking in snicker bars and soda might not be possible as our favorite library L,amont, takes security measures to the extreme. If ever the sweet scent of food permeates the air, security personnel will be immediately signaled to patrol the library aisles, purging any nutritive substances in sight!

They’ve approached Dartboard’s desk many a time, equipped with flashlights and slick uniforms. At the first hint of menacing footsteps, Dartboard frantically scrambles her wrappers together, chucking soda bottles and sandwiches under her chair. But on those sad occasions when Dartboard is caught off guard, a somber patroller pulls out the dreaded paper copy of the library’s food and drink policy, sternly pointing to the illicit goods. They assume, optimistically, that after Dartboard reads those sacred words, she’ll remember to respect the library’s laws.

Well, Dartboard’s sorry; she just couldn’t possibly study for her Bio midterm without some comfort food in front of her. Call it what you will, but a pack of gummy bears, some chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of coke never did a student harm when cramming long hours at a time.

Like many others, Dartboard imagines she can go undetected—slipping past security at the front door is always easy as pie. Scrumptious treats strategically placed in large pockets or at the bottom of Dartboard’s bag are hardly conspicuous. Some consider it an art; for Dartboard, it’s just survival skills at their best.

And yet, they manage to catch Dartboard red-handed! One hand practically dangling in the cookie jar. The other wiping crumbs off her lip. The forces of Lamont strike again!

Why should Dartboard be reprimanded, punished even for an admirable work ethic? Did Dartboard not deserve a treat here and there for her attempts to succeed?

But come to think of it, Lamont’s right. Dartboard can’t remember all the times she has had to hold herself back from dousing the stacks with soda and maliciously sprinkling crumbs in between pages of books (sinister laugh).

It’s not as though we have greater problems in the library, such as ringing cell phones or loud disruptive students. No, no. Better deal with the food crisis. Just take a look at Lamont! It’s practically a dump, strewn with wrappers and littered with empty bottles.

Yup. That sounds about right.

Well, Dartboard hopes students are prepared for the starvation and thirst yet to come this reading period. While they’re struck by headaches and groaning stomachs, at least they can rest assured knowing that they have Dartboard’s sympathies—Lamont certainly won’t express the least bit of compassion.

—SARAH R. LIEBER