Stephen W. Stromberg ’05

Editorial Chair

After a disappointing meal, council President Matthew W. Mahan ’05 will take out his frustration on the Kirkland dining hall staff, screaming, “All of this petty bull and damn popcorn chicken are ridiculous.”

Benjamin J. Toff ’05

Editorial Chair

Now that Clear Channel has permanently pulled Howard Stern from six stations, nothing else will now stand in the way of achieving world domination.

Morgan R. Grice ’06

Associate Editorial Chair

First-years will be plauged by an unknown illness as they continue to play ultimate frisbee on the curious green spray on the lawns of the Yard.

Travis R. Kavulla ’06

Associate Editorial Chair

Maureen Dowd will be forced to temporarily cease her diagnosis of the Bush admin’s misdoings—testosterone’s to blame, she has explained in at least 20 columns—and face the music that recent media meteor Condi Rice is, indeed, female.

Margaret M. Rossman ’06

Associate Editorial Chair

Walmart’s defeat in California won’t deter it from conquering Cambridge. Students won’t mind the 225,000 sq. ft. Supercenter since they’ll finally have the opportunity to buy censored CDs and get carded for R-rated movies.

Simon W. Vozick-Levinson ’06

Associate Editorial Chair

In an edge-of-your-decanal-seat TV sequel this fall, Donald Trump will pick next season’s “Apprentice” from among the deanlets of University Hall, letting undergraduates learn at last which second-tier administrator can sell the most “lemonade” at Harvard-Yale.

Erol N. Gulay ’05

Guest Predictor: Editorial Editor

Unable to quell a general Shiite uprising, the U.S. will begin to use more brutal and violent tactics, and solicit the advice of an expert in Shiite subjugation, Saddam Hussein.