An Extra-Large Lament

Back in the day, when Dartboard was but a wee middle-schooler with a rather voracious appetite, she had one joy in life. Well, she had many joys, but one joy stood out above all the rest. Dartboard spent most of her time with her basketball team on the road where the only food option was the fascinating land of golden arches: McDonald’s.

Upon arrival, Dartboard would step forward and assertively announce, “The number two.” But this mountainous meal—with not one, but two cheeseburgers—just wasn’t enough. So Dartboard made sure to close with the magic words: “Super Size it.” Thus, on numerous occasions Dartboard enjoyed the plentitude of items before her—earning her the affectionate nickname “Baby Shaq.”

Yet no longer does Dartboard engage in this behavior, discovering that the young growing Dartboard could eat these beautifully caloric meals without worry, unlike the Dartboard of today, who at least maintains the cover of a vaguely healthy lifestyle. But this doesn’t mean that Dartboard was not greatly distressed when McDonald’s announced last week that they would be taking away their Super Size fries and beverages in an effort to promote better nutrition.

Dartboard will admit that Super Size has inflated since her childhood days. At one time, Super Size simply meant “upgrade to a large, please.” The Super Size option in its current form stands for a seven-ounce order of fries and a 42-ounce drink—a step up from simply a “large” meal. To many, the very idea of this amount of food is absurd and Dartboard agrees that she has taken on the feat only twice in her life.

But even if Dartboard chooses not to partake, others should not be deprived. Dartboard frequents fast food joints for the pure junk food taste—grease, fat and all—and suspects the rare diner that stops in as a last resort will never be tempted by the S-word hanging in the air. If it makes one person happy to consume a bucket of Coke, then so be it—Dartboard has been known to sip quite a few 44-ounce Big Gulps in her time.

Yet this move is not just the death of a particular size, it is the death of an era. It’s unlikely that McDonald’s will retreat to Super Size in its original concept, and Dartboard will have to learn to sadly recite the simple word “large” after placing her orders. McDonald’s plans on “phasing” Super Size out—vanishing completely by December—in order to wean addicts like Dartboard gradually off, most likely to prevent vast withdrawal symptoms. Perhaps the evil lords of well-being will reconsider, but Dartboard may end up with nothing but a tale to tell her children of the long ago days of Super Sizing. Until then, Dartboard may have to take a few more field trips to bid her Super Size friend farewell.