In preparing for his spring semester, Gossip Guy has been reviewing reader feedback and has come to the conclusion that FM’s readership isn’t interested in titillating gossip so much as sheer titillation. Henceforth, Gossip Guy will patrol the gutters and back alleys of Cambridge to ensure that he brings you only the most lurid lies, iniquitous innuendos, and “XXX” rumors.

Falling Asleep, Lickety-Split

All his time spent playing leapfrog at the Porc—or whatever they do there—hasn’t helped Jim R. Niedermeyer ’05’s skills at male-female bonding. In a recent hookup, Niedermeyer’s oral ecstasy proved more a sedative than a stimulant for Liz E. Kojak ’06, who fell asleep mid-lick. When she awoke, Kojak did her best to console a visibily shaken Nidermeyer, assuring him that she “always falls asleep while receiving great head.”

Every Party Needs a Pooper

For most seniors, the aptly titled No-Chance Dance was a self-fulfilling prophecy. But, not for all. After the dance, back in his Quincy pimp-pad, Brian T. Bosworth ’04 stumbled his way drunkenly around the body of walk-of-shame hall-of-famer Hyancith C. Sharif ’04 until he found his way right through the back door. Upon opening her back door, Sharif welcomed Bosworth with characteristic hospitality: “My booty’s so doodylicious, for ya baby.”

Doody Calls

But the night did not end for young Mr. Bosworth even after he and Sharif sobered up enough to realize that they can’t stand each other. Later in the night, Bosworth was seen making his way down to his tutor’s room for a late night “advising” session, singing to himself, “I don’t think you’re ready for this smelly...I don’t think you’re ready for this smelly...” (to be continued next week)

A Visit from Grass Hall

At the Quincy Master’s Open House, campus heavy-weight President Harry S. Winters entertained student queries ranging from the mundane to the trivial. Bill D. Casey ’05 asked Winters to tell a joke, which precipitated a rousing rendition of the old side-splitter involving the economist, the statistician and the certified public accountant, reportedly one of John Maynard Keynes’ personal favorites. Eli C. Bexter ’06, who was decidedly more stoned than Casey, asked simply if he could finish Winters’ plate of coconut brownies, or, as Bexter termed them, Winters’ “fat snacks.”

Science B-69: The Human Orgasm

The morning after hooking up with roommates is a time for two guys to share their mutual respect and admiration, and perhaps a little fist pounding, but not so for Corkey D. Fetusmüeller ’04 and Eldrick “Tiger” Patel ’04. After having an evening with his girlfriend Di C. Frummer ’04 mostly drowned out by shrieks of ecstasy from the adjoining room, Fetusmüeller was expecting a chest-bump and a good story when he saw Patel in the bathroom the next morning. Instead, Fetusmüeller learned that not everyone appreciates his girlfriend quite as much as he does. Said Patel to Fetusmüeller with a sigh of relief: “It’s such a nice change of pace sleeping on the other side of the wall for once.”

Cock-a-Doodle

Three strikes and she’s in. Indeed, if Anne Marie Dyson ’07 is a lesbian, she’s not telling anyone, least of all recent ex-boyfriend Chad Bilstow ’05. Bilstow’s last two girlfriends have dumped him—along with the male gender—for greener, if not furrier, pastures. Bilstow, fearing that he might be the last step in the coming-out process for all Harvard lesbians, subjected Dyson to a 4.5 hour evaluation of her commitment to heterosexuality, at the end of which an exhausted Dyson proclaimed, “I love cock–just not yours.”