Ryan Lannon, left, and Noah Welch are surprised by unexpected bids at Tuesday night’s Isis Date Auction, held on the third floor of Hong Kong Restaurant. The Harvard hockey duo was ultimately sold for $149.

All I wanted for Christmas was Noah Welch, Ryan Lannon and a newspaper column.

And I had a plan to get all three. I was going to buy Noah Welch and Ryan Lannon.

Tuesday night’s Isis Date Auction offered the captain and assistant captain of the Harvard men’s hockey team, both well over 6’, both well over 200 lbs., both with girlfriends—and I was going to purchase the blueline pair.

Ambitious? Maybe. Lacking any real purpose, other than material for a column? Yes. Guaranteed to breed awkwardness for months to come? Absolutely. Enough to deter me? Absolutely not.

I was going to use The Harvard Crimson’s money to win Noah and Ryan. On our ensuing date, I was going to hit on them openly, make them as uncomfortable as possible, and then detail the events in a subsequent column.

At this point, I enlisted my hockey co-writer Timothy J. McGinn, a move guaranteed to raise the level of Noah’s and Ryan’s collective discomfort at least threefold.

One by one, the pieces fell into place.

We secured $100 from the Harvard Crimson, claiming that “it was for a story,” and we made our way to the Kong.

“Ryan may have blond hair and blue eyes,” Tim half-joked as we climbed the stairs to the third floor, “but I think Noah’s dreamy.”

It didn’t take long for us to spot the duo.

“You’re all mine, Welch!” Tim yelled from a safe distance.

Noah blanched.

I made a ‘V’ with my fingers, pointed into my eyes, and then pointed straight into Ryan’s.

Ryan blanched.

It was on.