As the semester frantically winds to a close and even the most stubborn of last spring’s leaves flutter to the ground, I sit here on my bed staring at my four-year-old toe ring and wondering how to best take stock of the year. I turned to the Internet for some assistance on the matter, and though it failed to provide the precise blueprint for my inventory, it did serve to inspire.

The latest string of Internet questionnaires (“memes”) that have graced my monitor have consisted mostly of questions that I wouldn’t answer in such a public forum. Instead, I will devise my own list especially tailored to our lives. Grab a pen and join in the fun! And if you know the etymology of “meme,” please shoot me an email. Here I present to you this year’s stats, divided into easily digestible categories. (Who says humanities people can’t do math?)

Academic pursuits

1. Number of theorists with whose names and major works you can claim familiarity: six.

2. Number of said theorists who would recognize their ideas after your articulation: maybe an aggregate total of one.

Campus Issues

1. Number of Harvard-Radcliffe Women’s Centers desired: one.

2. Number of Harvard-Radcliffe Women’s Centers proposed: one.

3. Number of Harvard-Radcliffe Women’s Centers built: still waiting for the final count.

Culture and Entertainment

1. Number of bad and offensive films seen at full nighttime price: only one! Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason. I offer myself as the sacrificial lamb; don’t see it.

2. Number of nights per week watching the WB: one. I will not divulge which.

Culinary matters

1. Number of calories consumed: assuming an average of 2000 per day for a year, 730,000. If they were all consumed in soymilk, I would have subsisted on twenty glasses of soymilk a day.

2. Number of animals killed for the sake of my consumption: zero!

[3. Number of animals killed for the sake of my material comfort: I’d rather not calculate.]

Material pursuits

1. Number of pairs of jeans acquired: two.

2. Number of pairs of jeans currently desired: I just want that one perfect pair.

3. Number of black shirts acquired: let’s not talk about it.

4. Number currently desired: it’s not a number so much as a feeling…

Interpersonal relationships

1. Number of new friends of dissimilar backgrounds to my own: oh…several, at least.

2. Number of new friends of similar backgrounds: hmph. Point taken.

Health and Hygiene

1. Maximum number of elapsed days between showers: probably around 5.

2. Number of Tom’s of Maine toothpaste flavors sampled: four. I have finally settled on wintermint and highly recommend it.

Miscellaneous

1. Number of hours saved by using such abbreviations in spoken conversation as “totes,” “whatevs” and “b.t. dubs:” countless.

2. Number of hours well spent on compulsive email checking: hard to quantify.

Though most mental health experts doubt the potential of the list as a first-rate means for exploring deep psychological processes, I stand by my medium of choice. Impersonal yet succinct, lists have the unique potential to probe deeply into the psyches of the willing subject. Furthermore, the list can be seen as the great equalizer: it lays out the same framework for all of its readers. It is then our especial prerogative to respond according to our very own comfort level. The list requires no more than we are willing to give! Try to find a therapist or friend who can claim the same of herself.

In case your interest is piqued in conducting a similar study of your own life and you are also disappointed with the Internet’s paltry supply of memes, I will provide some additional questions. Keep in mind that there is no need to publish your answers. Some options are: 1) Number of times swore off psychologically destructive behavior, 2) number of people desired, attained and/or rejected (or, for that matter, the number of people by whom you have been thus treated), 3) number of amino acids consumed daily, 4) number of pants sizes increased, 5) number of times reminded yourself to talk about your significant other’s good qualities too.

And there you have it. This introductory framework awaits the juicy details of your life. Let the list-making begin.

Ilana J. Sichel ’05 is a literature concentrator in Dudley House. Her column appears on alternate Fridays.