Have you heard of the Yale Bomb? Ya, well dropping it isn’t that cool. Being a guy—and not much of a looker at that—I really wish my name was Elihu Harvard. I’d be a lot cooler. Oh the places I’d go.

They’ve done a lot of studies about being second best. Silver medalists in the Olympics aren’t happy campers. And neither am I. Princeton’s happy though. Ignorance is bliss.

People tell me Yale has cool buildings and cooler kids. They say most of us probably turned down Harvard. I didn’t, but my friend says he did. I don’t believe him.

Oh the places I’d go.

Elihu Harvard. Brother of John Harvard; son of Robert Harvard. Harvard! You know when I Google myself, I get a decent result. I mean 5,500 ain’t bad. But John gets 55,700. He probably has more friends on the Facebook than I do.

So today we’re going to get beat in football by Harvard. Surprise, surprise. Whatever.

Elihu Harvard…Oh the places I’d go.

Elihu Yale ’0-for-3-and-going-on-4 is a paint by numbers concentrator who wishes he was in your House. He is the founder of Public Lamentation About Your Status for the Unsatisfied Safety School Resident (PLAYS for the USSR).