Bring On The Deans!

Dartboard could barely contain his laugher at the University’s recent announcement that an Alcohol Dean will be hired. After all, Harvard’s issues—especially one as deep-seated and difficult to solve as student drinking—are best confronted through red tape and a larger bureaucracy. Right on, University Hall!

Appointing someone to “do something” about “alcohol” seems to reflect a certain naiveté on the part of the University; and it was initially unclear to Dartboard how this new position would have much of an impact on the student body.

As Dartboard sat thinking he tried to rationalize the necessity for this new position. Was this really the best allocation of resources? Do we really need an administrator for this sort of thing?

Dartboard couldn’t convince himself that we do, but for the sake of argument, he’ll accept that perhaps this new Alcohol Dean will have some sort of measurable effect on the student body—rather than being merely one more target for student angst.

If a Dean is capable of solving, from the University’s standpoint, a problem as seemingly intractable as drinking, the inevitable question must be asked: Why stop at alcohol?

There are a whole host of maladies around this campus that anyone with more than a passing familiarity with Harvard can readily identify. And, since actually taking steps to solve them seems to be out of fashion, let’s start appointing some Deans to oversee the “development” of solutions.

It has been often remarked that awkwardness is endemic to Harvard: most people lack any sort of normal social skills and a good portion of our time here is wasted in painful, and very strained, silence. Dartboard proposes that this can be solved by...appointing a Dean!

Surely an administrator who oversees dances and outings organized by HoCos, maintains a tight leash on the first-years during Freshman Week, and develops educational programs to teach students the basics of “shaking hands,” “saying hello,” and “interacting with members of the opposite sex” could limit the amount of dangerous awkwardness so common on this campus.

There is simply no limit to the problems that could be “solved” by increased oversight and coordination—and by appointing a Dean. This has Dartboard—and should have everyone who likes to see Harvard tuition stay somewhere south of the $40K mark—quite worried.

—MARK A. ADOMANIS

Our Poly-Syllabic Fixation

When Dartboard’s parents got married, they did the sensible thing. Dartboard’s mom kept her last name, and Dartboard got his dad’s last name. The name “Slack” has served him well on everything from SAT forms to résumés to job applications. Never has he been forced to bubble in only part of his last name for want of spaces.

Many of Dartboard’s peers were not so lucky. For every “Herder” and “Cox” in the country, there seem to be an increasing number of “Hepler-Smiths” and “Gould-Wartofskys.” In the interest of gender equality, married Americans seem to have developed a penchant for verbosity in surnames. It seems like a harmless trend, but these crunched-together monstrosities are calamities in waiting for the next generation.

It’s hard enough for hyphenees right now. Those aforementioned cruel SAT bubbles only allow space for last names fifteen letters long. “Hinniker-Schoenberg” turns into “HINNIKERSCHOENB.” After they get into college, hyphenees also face discrimination based on what that hyphen says about their background. During the Pring-Wilson trial, CourtTV analysts speculated that the defendant’s hyphen might make him appear richer and haughtier than he deserved. The result? An innocent hyphen might be responsible for Pring-Wilson’s six to eight years in the slammer.

Jail is one thing. A country-wide naming meltdown is another. And that’s exactly what will happen in a few years, when all of Dartboard’s hyphenated contemporaries decide to settle down to enjoy marital bliss. In just ten years, kindergartens may be overrun with little Joey Hertzl-Bunzl-Hepler-Smiths and Mary Eagle-Lee-Bobbitt-Okionobes. There will be no more naptime, because roll call will take the entire day!

Dartboard wants his generation to recognize its responsibility to end this nominative madness. Split up your kids—half get dad’s name, half get mom’s. Or condense the hyphenated names into some sort of acronym (in the second example above, Mary’s last name could be Elbo). Or flip a coin ‘fer crissakes.’ There’s no easy solution other than marrying a family member, but a solution has to be found. Just don’t saddle your young’uns with the same burdens. The future of standardized testing depends on it.

—ALEX SLACK