Shower Head

Early Saturday morning, Dartboard found herself in a post-party flush. She wanted clean teeth—and clean other parts—before thrusting off into neverland. But, as Dartboard approached the bathroom, her dreams were cut unfulfillingly short by a locked bathroom door and moaning sounds. Oh no.

Oh yes, they said. Ohhhhhh yes.

Unable to wash the night of the incident, Dartboard bathed the following morning, still distracted by the shower’s various splatterings. Those swollen bottles full of white and creamy bath product were now quite difficult to use, those random stains on the shower floor now needed to be avoided. All this was very hard on Dartboard.

And yet Dartboard is not alone in her frustrations. Whether on the floor, in a stall, in a tub or on top of a sink, bathroom acts of sexile have aroused anger in many an undergrad’s roommate. Walk into any dining hall, and you’ll probably find an argument swelling between the clean, satiated roommate and the dirty, disgruntled one.

Though Dartboard understands the pleasure obtained by lather and loving, rinsing off in a tainted shower is a pain no one should endure unwillingly. This weekend’s Mather Lather will draw hordes of excited undergrads to frolic within foam, and Dartboard asks lathering lovebirds to stay out of our stalls. Let’s keep it clean.

—JASMINE J. MAHMOUD

Tragicomedy

The Lampoon, the semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine, seems still to display its perennial problems. A lack of leadership, a homogenous membership and a culturally ingrained opposition to publishing anything that provokes even the subtlest chuckle all continue to plague the would-be jokesters. Humbly, I propose a few policy changes at the Bow Street castle.

First, the boys should emulate their former two-term president, Steven C. Hely ’02, and impose upon themselves a no sex, no alcohol, no friends policy. A focus on their core purpose—publishing a so-called humor magazine—might lead to a more regular publishing schedule. Second, in a further effort to reduce self-distractions, the small, top-floor room with the “entertainment equipment” should be off-limits for a reasonable period before publication. And third, and perhaps most importantly, the ’Poon should maintain—indeed, enhance—its policy of regular drug consumption in an effort to further develop its collective humorous intellect. What’s a brain good for without a boost from Mary Jane?

With leadership like that of former presidents and a renewed dedication to tickling others, rather than themselves, ’Poonsters can once again bring their publication into its own on Harvard’s campus. May this fool’s week be a turning point for those formidable, white men.

—C. MATTHEW MACINNIS