Making a Mountain of a Morning After

A look of disgust drifted over Dartboard’s friends as she walked glibly toward them last Saturday morning. But, this was no ordinary look of disgust; rather, this was more that uneasy look of anxiety that Dartboard often relishes the morning after—after she throws a party, that is.

Now, Dartboard admits that she’s not well-versed in the art of party-throwing, but she is quite aware of the benefits of playing party hostess—she’s afforded that invaluable position in which she becomes privy to everyone’s most scandalous indiscretions. It’s like being the lens of Fifteen Minutes’ famous debauchery-seeking camera—only this naughty evidence is easily filed away into Dartboard’s mental databank of party-fouls.

So, on that early morning as her intimates who’d been rather “indisposed” the night before gathered ’round to learn the extent of their misconduct, Dartboard smiled to herself as she plopped down next to her comrades. Their purpose wasclear: they wanted details; but, of course, they couldn’t just come out and say so. In true morning-after form, Dartboard was forced to field indirect questions whose sole purpose was to expose late-night faux pas.

She considered matters of morning-after etiquette as her friends searched her face for clues. They waited in desperate anticipation as Dartboard mulled over her options: either explain the gory details (with just the right amount of embellishment to send them quivering home in shame), or spare them with a tacit wink that implied: “Don’t worry, you were fine.”

Dartboard is sure that most Harvard students have been in her friends’ position—groggily trying to peace together the night before. But what most people here, Dartboard’s friends included, seem not to understand is that little of what happens at Harvard is really truly debaucherous. Despite FM’s best efforts, Harvard is no UMass when it comes to heinous hookups. This is just another one of those times when Harvard students take themselves too seriously. But Dartboard decided not to clue her friends in—after all, the morning-after breakfasts would be a lot less fun.

—MORGAN R. GRICE