During my FOP trip, right before my freshman year at Harvard, my FOP leader gave me my first dose of Harvard lore. “There are three areas necessary for a happy, successful college life,” he said. “Academics, extracurricular activities, and a social life. At Harvard, you can only pick two.” As an intrepid, self-confident first year, I pooh-poohed his antiquated adage—surely there were some people who found a way to have it all. This is Harvard, not MIT.

But as the work from my overly ambitious freshman schedule piled on, I began to wonder whether my FOP leader had been right. Maybe I could only successfully juggle two. The question then became, what to sacrifice? Surely not academics, my freshman self thought, you’re here to become enlightened (oh, the naive thoughts one has when young). That meant I could either have a social life or participate in an activity—not much of a choice.

Then, with a devilish glint in my eye, I had an epiphany! In a stroke of genius, I had found the perfect solution: fulfill your extracurricular and social life requirements at the same time. What could be better than joining a close-knit group of people who all share a common interest? And I had the perfect role models: no, not The Crimson, but a cappella! All I had to do was look at the smiling, poised faces of charismatic students snapping and harmonizing to realize that they were the lucky ones who had it all. I became convinced that my destiny lay as a member of one of these perfect groups—friends in life and in song, going together like “doo-wop” as those dancers did in Grease.

After being rejected from the groups more times than I would ever admit, I rediscovered that my acerbic side would never tolerate the saccharine dynamics of a cappella. And as I saw more of Harvard, I learned that the smiles during performances were often only surface-deep. A cappella groups are businesses; their members have their own lives and they are not always buddies. Sometimes the same people harmonizing onstage are having an all-out fight offstage; a cappella groups are made up of a variety of personalities who come into conflict, like any other group at Harvard. So, getting into an a cappella group doesn’t guarantee instant best friends.

The problems with Harvard students looking for friends where they work are the same as the problems adults face in making friends with co-workers. For one, it is far too easy to fall into the patter of shop. When you are so used to interacting on a professional level, it becomes practically impossible to delve into the personal. If you don’t believe me, just sit down for a meal with actors who just came from rehearsal or a group of teammates returning from practice. It becomes impossible to follow the conversation, as the inside jokes within the cast are told for the 25th time or the guys are airing the same old complaints about the coach for the millionth time.

Perhaps more importantly, there are always issues of power dynamics in the workplace. Whenever there is the possibility of competition, can you really ever trust the others? An intrinsic idea within the working world is the idea that when necessary, people can be dismissed, passed over, out-ranked because “things are just business, not personal.” And we accept this attitude, because we think of the workplace as being a strict meritocracy. But in extracurriculars at Harvard, the two worlds of work and personal life very often intersect. Can you ever really be friends with someone who controls whether you get elected for that coveted position? If they vote against you, are they really your friend? Much turmoil ensues every year for this very reason—people get hurt when these lines blur.

Don’t get me wrong; I’ve made some of my closest friends at Harvard through my extracurriculars. But, at the same time, I’ve developed these friendships on an individual basis, outside of the environment of the workplace, in the same way I’ve made my other friends. You can’t skimp on the time needed to build real relationships—they don’t come along as bonuses as you do work, and they don’t come as package-deals. I don’t have the answer about which two areas of life are the best to hold onto during college, and I’m sure there are people out there who really are capable of maintaining a healthy balance among the three. But on the whole, if you always mix work with play, you may find at the end of the day that those whom you thought were your friends will only be so in the context in which you knew them. Friendships thrive on what you share, common experiences you’ve had, but for your friends at work, when work’s over, will you have anything new to say?

Robert J. Fenster ’03 is a biology concentrator in Eliot House. His column appears on alternate Thursdays.