Perhaps my favorite part of any Glamour magazine is the collage of pictures on the last page called “dos and don’ts.” There is a different theme each month and each picture (most of them of real, unsuspecting people) features a woman doing something that is either fashion forward or a huge fashion faux pas. After having leafed casually through pages of beautifully coiffed hair, flawless make-up and perfect teeth, it’s refreshing to see the camera turned on real people for a change.

Take the March issue, about black andwhite outfits—the ones that work and the ones that don’t, for instance. A little honey wearing a white mini-skirt with a huge black belt gets a thumbs up. Apparently, she’s doing a much better job at pairing the two most basic colors on earth than the woman wearing a tutu looking, 80’s-esque ball gown with crazy zigzag patterns or the woman caught wearing (gasp!) polka dots.

Yes, the idea of taking a picture of some random woman’s butt saran-wrapped in pink spandex and labeling it a “don’t” on a page called “panty lines and huge wedgies” is a bit mean. But the person in the wrong is spared total shame because of those little Zorro-like, sunglasses-sized black bars that go across her eyes.

I’ve decided to turn the tables a bit, to out criticize the critic and make a list of my own. Here is my version of Glamour’s dos and don’ts list, but it’s not about the people in my neighborhood. It’s about this issue (any issue) of my little gem of a fashion publication (how meta!).

Do feature more “women are strong” ads in the mag like the ones Nike uses to sell shoes. In fact all of those breast enlargement ads should become strong women ads in the future because everybody knows that talking to a guy after you’ve worked up a sweat at the gym and are looking all hot and toned is a much better way to pique his interest than having huge breasts. And besides, if your dream dude turns out to be a major dream dud, you can flex your physique and show him who’s boss.

Don’t use phrases like “if your dream dude turns out to be a dream dud.” They are annoying and make what could be an interesting spread about some woman’s quirky experience into a kind of thirteen-year-old-slumber-party story. Say goodbye to all those annoying puns as well. I hate puns.

Do continue to explore new topics like women’s health issues, community service, financial tips for single women and cheap alternatives to some of the pricey options featured in spreads. The overall worth of a magazine about fashion is doubled when it includes short lists or quick articles about common sense strategies that help women eat right, save money or look like a million bucks without spending a million bucks.

Don’t go crazy with them though. The mental shock of jumping from a two-page article about which type of make-up brush to use when applying eyeshadow to an in-depth report about sexual deviants or a detailed account of one woman’s traumatizing experience in a third world country is a bit much. The juxtaposition trivializes what should be a serious story featured in a magazine with other serious stories. I find myself grimacing at the just-for-shock-value pictures and poo-pooing the sensationalist headlines, while neglecting to read, or even skim, what might be an interesting article. The magazine is called Glamour and not Newsweek for a reason.

Do continue to feature a wide price range when putting together a fashion spread on a new trend or style. It’s nice to know that I could get a $15 version of a shirt at Old Navy or a $150 version from Calvin Klein.

Don’t pretend, when putting together said price range, that the most expensive items in the spread are just as affordable as the cheap ones. No, buying a $450 pair of shoes is not as great a “bargain” as buying a $50 pair.

Do show me pretty pictures of pretty women. It’s fun to ogle stars and their clothes, to see society pages about who is hanging out with whom and where.

Don’t feel the need to give pictures like these some kind of theme. I mean, I’m going to look at a picture of my favorite star whether or not you pair it with five others just because all of the women in them happen to be holding plastic bags or wearing blue shoes. I don’t care about the so-called trends that are really just a series of coincidences put side-by-side and therefore given weight and importance.

I suppose it wouldn’t be fair for me to include specific pet peeves like my absolute distaste for Penelope Cruz ads or anything having to do with feminine hygiene in this general list of dos and don’ts. Instead, I’ll end with a final don’t that irks me most of all: the botched make-over. Correct me if I’m wrong, but make-overs are supposedto make the person being transformed better than they were at the outset. I feel like some stylists forget this important fact all too often. They take a nice looking, mild manored “do” and turn her into a tragic caricature of a “don’t” in less time than it takes me to flip, with dismay, to the next page.

Antoinette C. Nwandu ’02 is an English concentrator in Cabot House. Her column appears on alternate Mondays.