...Is it cold or what? Gossip Guy’s had to break out his winter clothes after weeks of denial. Fresh from the closet are goose-down lies, itchy wool rumors and hand-knitted innuendo...
...Toby S.A. Friedkin ’04 had to stay after section Monday to explain why he was passing notes in class. Thinking on his feet, he said, “I was, um, just saying how I think that annoying brunette should shove her Sprite bottle up her ass.” The TF wasn’t buying it, however. “I know you were really just writing notes to ask your neighbor what page in the book we were referring to.” Busted!...
...Jane R. De Vito ’03 finally got action this weekend. The lucky gentleman is now resting comfortably in Mass. General after his mauling. Doctors say he should make an almost-complete recovery...
...Who says compassion is dead at Harvard? When her American Presidency TF passed out in a review session, Christina L. Levin ’05 was distraught. “I just can’t believe it, this is so awful,” she lamented. “Who will explain multiple adhocracy to me before the midterm?”...
...It was a scary Halloween for Brian G. Gouther ’03. I mean, getting action for the first time in a year is pretty damn frightening...
...Felix P. Johnson ’03 turned 21 last Wednesday. After 21 shots, he attempted a cartwheel while clutching a Miller High Life bottle to prove how not-drunk he was. As his proctologist euphemized the next morning, “It didn’t work out well”...
...At the artsy Halloween party of mega-hipster Meadow F. Zapir ’02-’04, roughly three-quarters of the guests were dressed as penises, and the rest went as tampons, abstract concepts and obscure girl-punk bassists. Most of the guests spent the party wallowing in the nebulous netherworld between irony and sincerity. “I like your costume,” they said to each other honestly or questioningly or insultingly...
...It’s cut time down on Mt. Auburn Street as final clubs separate the total ass-kissing men from the merely deferential boys...
...Notorious jackass Tom V. Jeffries ’04, is primed for a leadership campaign at his favorite extracurricular. Moaned colleague Leonard N. Sanderson ’03, tired of his incessant politicking, “The only vote he’ll win is Ass of the Year.” Thereby unseating Gossip Guy...
...Roommates have decided that, with his new beard, Jarrett L. Ciano ’06 looks like a troll. Ciano, busy splashing river water at passersby on the Weeks Footbridge, was unavailable for comment...
...The worst possible type of girl? Gotta be the psycho-prude. A close second: Ann D. Fogarty ’05...
...PERSONAL TO SENIORS: No, seriously, please keep talking about the prestigious, high-paying job you’ve already landed. And you’ve finished how many thesis chapters? That’s so impressive! Seriously, way to go, douche-cock...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Jeremy I. Cooper ’06 isn’t sure whether he wants to go back to his high school over Thanksgiving break. “There are a few teachers I’d like to see, but it would just be so weird,” he reflects...Mira F. Leonard ’05 got a huge kick out of last week’s Callbacks concert. “It was great,” she remarks...Will C. Benstein ’03 wishes they had cheddar cheese in the dining hall everyday. “That way,” he calculates, “I’d be able to put cheddar on many more dishes”...
