Image is everything—whether you’re a basketball player, a movie star, or an egomaniacal dictator. Saddam Hussein would do well to remember this as he chooses between reforming his despotic ways or facing a U.S. attack. Sure, there is a lot of pressure on him right now to give up on developing weapons of mass destruction and to forsake his ambitions of dominating his neighbors. At one point recently, the pressure became so great that he agreed to allow UN weapons inspectors into Iraq. That agreement seemed to signal that Saddam was actually moving toward real reform, which was no doubt a painful prospect for Saddam. But what Saddam failed to realize in that moment of weakness was that no substantive changes of any kind would really be necessary if only he had been keeping up with the Sopranos.

Right now Saddam has an image problem in the American public consciousness. Because he is commonly perceived as a murderous, selfish, psychotic person, there is a lot of American support for deposing him. But maybe Saddam could make this bad image work for him, you know, turn the whole evil-despot image into a boys-will-be-boys act. That’s where Tony Soprano comes in.

Like Saddam, Tony is a bad dude. In each of the past three seasons he has killed his own people for personal gain. He starts turf wars. He betrays friends. And he corrupts all those who come in contact with him. Again, like Saddam, he is vain, selfish, and prone to violence. And most relevantly these days, Tony has found himself on the wrong side of the U.S. government, a fate over which he and Saddam could commiserate. They are both liars, philanderers and thieves, yet we love Tony and we hate Saddam.

It’s not immediately clear why we like Tony Soprano despite all his bad qualities, but it definitely has to do with his common touch. Even though he is at the top of the world of organized-crime he hasn’t betrayed his roots. He is still a working stiff who struggles to balance the demands of home with the demands of work, all the while trying to carve out some time for his own personal enjoyment. Americans can identify with that. Even though Tony’s a lot more powerful than most of us will ever be, we’re not jealous of him because we see his vulnerable side. We see him in his workout clothes, or dealing with the groceries, or wading through his flooded basement, and we’re willing to overlook the objective, overwhelming facts that tell us he is a bad person.

Tony Soprano is an example of how the American public is ready to embrace an evil person with a good image. If Saddam wants to have any chance of winning popularity in America, he needs to work much harder on his image. So far, he is an utter failure at appearing to be one of the guys. The only time we see him on the news is when he’s all decked out in military attire, addressing generals, or when he’s making a speech from his balcony with a shotgun pointed straight in the air. These aren’t images that make Saddam endearing. Worse yet, Saddam distances himself even further when he uses bombastic language and complicated syntax to threaten America. If only he would speak in cooler terms we might be willing to overlook his calls for our country’s destruction. He could threaten to “whack” any U.S. soldier who invades Iraq, or he could drop the F-bomb a couple of times (in translation, of course). Better yet, let Saddam use a peremptory “fuhgeddaboudit” to explain Iraq’s plans to comply with UN resolutions. These relatively minor changes to his diction would go a long way toward fixing his image.

Another place where he needs more work is in showcasing his personal feelings. An upcoming French documentary about Saddam reveals him to be obsessed with cleanliness, and while this casts some light on his personal hygiene, it might be more helpful for Saddam’s image if he would cast that light on his emotions instead. Maybe Saddam could tape a couple of sessions with his psychiatrist and send them to Al-Jazeera. If Saddam really cared about winning over our adoration he could spill his guts about the family troubles he’s been having since he murdered his defector son-in-law, or he could have a manly cry about not quite destroying Iran in the 80’s. None of these regrets would have to be sincere—when Tony confesses to his psychiatrist he rarely means it—but just by publicizing the image of his emotional turmoil, Saddam might earn more of our love, thereby averting an American attack.

But even though it’s probably too late for Saddam to reform his image, the Saddam Husseins of the future will undoubtedly be more savvy about the way they present themselves to the world, and America in particular because the American public’s image of these dictators is not at all insignificant. This is a fact attested to by the government of Saudi Arabia, which recently hired Qorvis Communications for $200,000 a month to try to repair damage done to the Saudi image by the Sept. 11 hijacking, as William Safire wrote in his Sept. 12 column. Saudi Arabia realizes the importance of molding a good public image, and if it works for them, then the world’s next generation of dictators will take notice.

It is scary to think that Saddam’s personal image as an evil man is an integral part of the case against him. He must be deposed, we are told, not because of what he has done in the last ten years but because of what we are afraid his evil personality will cause him to do in the future. If Saddam had marketed himself better, the American public sentiment about invading Iraq would undoubtedly be different, and that is a troublesome thought as well. I wonder what would have happened if David Chase had an Iraqi cousin. Might the Most-Wanted Despot instead be America’s favorite star?

Jonathan P. Abel ’05 is a history concentrator in Quincy House. His column appears on alternate Wednesdays.