...After last week’s critically and popularly acclaimed “Gossip Goy” edition, Gossip Guy returns to covering God’s chosen people, the Jews. So get psyched for the conventional array of disturbing lies, discomforting rumors, and tasteless innuendo...
...Friends, family, acquaintances, casual acquaintances, really distant family members, people who sat next to him in lecture once—basically anyone who has ever met Harold B. Mackey ’03—were shocked and appalled to find out that he has started spending Wednesday afternoons tutoring at-risk youths at a local junior high school. According to blockmates and police, Mackey’s only previously expressed public-service goal was “throwing a goddamn flaming brick through the window of the Fly”...
...Jason B. Schlesinger ’04 rolls his own cigarettes and constantly extols the crisp taste and economic efficiency of his method. Hey, Jason—shut up...
...David G. McIntyre ’04 has been telling people his recent purchase of an X-Box game system, rather than his personality, is the reason he never goes out. His previous justifications for social inaction have included scoliosis, homework, a lack of homework, and the need to try many kinds of pudding...
...Amy K. VanderWal, a high school senior and the younger sister of notorious pot fiend Tracy B. VanderWal ’05, visited last weekend. VanderWal, who doesn’t want to be responsible for his sister’s introduction to pot, instructed his blockmates on Friday afternoon not to smoke or tell any weed-related stories for the entire weekend. His plan backfired when the complete lack of conversation topics caused by the marijuana ban convinced his sister to attend Brown next year...
...Wannabe rapper Casey B. Weinstein ’03 has stopped dicking around. “I think it’s more respectful to the girl to just lay it all on the table,” he says. Commented Liz D. Wellbridge ’05, “Why did that weird guy just tell me he wants to trizz all over my grill-spot?”...
...Jim F. Grant ’06 spent all of Saturday telling people he was “getting his party on.” They all wished he’d get his all-done-talking on...
...Dennis T. Thompson ’05 keeps finding easy girls at the Science Center stamp machine. In a curiously parallel situation, Greg Z. Salazar ’03 keeps finding stamps at Bee punch events...
...UGLY PEOPLE HAVING UGLY SEX UPDATE: Andrew D. Glick ’05 had sex with Laura W. Robinson ’06. Ewwww!...Toby H. Anderson ’04 made love to Elena D. Zevin ’04. That’s totally gross!...Richard J. Galinsky ’03 got it on with Melinda T. Bogursky ’03. Yuck!...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Raquel E. Arid ’04 is constantly frustrated by right-handers’ occupation of all the left-handed desks in Emerson 105. “The desks are less comfortable for them. Why do the righties sit there? Arrgh!”...Does anyone have a quarter? Will C. Benstein ’03 wants to get a Coke...
