Westwood, Calif.—Have you ever heard the rumors about UCLA—that it’s enormous, impersonal, extremely competitive and constantly on Red Bull? After four weeks of work and summer classes there, I can tell you that it’s all true, and a bit more.

The H Bomb,

You don’t go to Harvard. In fact, you know nothing about Harvard. You’re a Bruin, all the way. Just remember not to call yourself a junior—you’re a third-year. You have total dedication to anything blue and gold, and complete disdain for anything east of the 405 Freeway, including all Ivy League schools. Those were the ones you didn’t get into, the ones that you talk about with your friends when you’re sharing your GPAs and SAT scores around the clock. Privacy? Nonexistent. Respect for success? It’s called jealousy.

Unless you have a complete set of recordings about how much you like Harvard and how it is different from UCLA in every single way, and a tape player whose batteries won’t run out, don’t drop the H-bomb. I made that mistake, and it cost me dearly—a lot of potential friends, nice people who are reluctant to see anything deeper in me than the fact that by some lucky stroke of admissions, I got into Harvard. What they don’t realize is that in interrogating me about the college I attend, they aren’t telling me anything about themselves, which would have taught me so much more than an ability to recite the same dialogue (e.g. “Yes, the campus is smaller. No, we don’t have University-recognized frats”) three times a day. If you let “Harvard” slip from between your lips by accident, though, just say that everything is exactly the same as at UCLA, leaving them dumbstruck without any more Harvard questions.

Food

Missing Annenberg’s famous London Broil? No problem—just head over to one of UCLA’s famous “dining restaurants” for some nourishment, located for your convenience inside each residence hall. There, you will be welcomed by a cashier who informs you that backpacks are not allowed inside, but you can obtain a free token (which makes no sense to anyone) and stash your stuff in a locker. Be prepared to spend at least five minutes trying to jam your backpack into a tiny, five-square-inch space. And if you can’t fit it? Leave it sitting outside and hope for the best, wallet and all.

Once you enter, don’t be overwhelmed by the fact that indeed, you have more options than the main entree, pasta and a chickwich. Offerings on a typical day? Smoothies made while you wait, chilled sandwiches to order, the grill, “Asian” food, “Italian” food, the regular, boring entree, about 16 kinds of soda, and little squares of blue jello piled inside an old-fashioned ice-cream dish, topped with a minuscule amount of whipped cream and three miniature M&Ms. And if you forget to go to lunch, you can always hit the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts or Panda Express in the Student Union. Awe-inspiring is the only word for UCLA dining services—you will never go hungry.

Academics

UCLA is about hard work, but not for the sake of knowledge. It’s about working harder than everyone else, because at UCLA, curves don’t help—they kill. Remember that 94 percent you got on a math test last year? That could easily be a C at UCLA. Don’t share notes, don’t study together and don’t even think about helping your friend with that problem set. Enthusiasm runs high, but be prepared to keep it to yourself.

It’s unfortunate that in a place full of such highly motivated people, individual positive energy isn’t shared more within the campus community. Humanities majors are labeled “North Campus,” which is where they take most classes, while science majors are “South Campus” students. And to complicate matters further, there are about five hundred thousand majors; no one is ever just majoring in “bio,” but instead are “psychobiology” or “biotechnical sciences” or “physiological biology.” Such a huge school ensures ample resources (and often a necessity) for creating so many divisions among students. While this gives students a wealth of opportunities, it also seems limiting and suffocating to many students who wish they could try something new, but don’t for fear of failure or of “not belonging” in another department.

Exercise

Woe to the unfit first-year at UCLA, for you will soon become a hermit, locked in your tiny double in Rieber Hall for fear that someone will point and laugh. Fitness is simply life for Bruins. The John Wooden Athletic Center, located in the middle of campus, is larger than all of Adams House. Everyone here is so hard-core that you’d feel silly simply walking on a treadmill—at Wooden, they’re more like sprinting machines. Feeling particularly adventurous? Don’t miss the larger-than-life simulated mountain in the middle of the room, perfectly constructed for rock climbers. Yes, it’s intimidating, and no, you will never get over it. This is no MAC.

But the gym isn’t the only source of exercise for the Bruins. That would be too easy, too simple. Instead, there’s commuting, walking 25 minutes from your dorm to your chem class on the other side of campus. But that’s not the worst of it; that’s when you have to walk (hike) up Bruin Walk and back to your dorm (after climbing the 76 steps that lead up to it). This spoiled Harvard student thought she might check out the Northwest campus shuttle, running conveniently between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m., Monday through Friday. The van, which almost never shows up, takes about 20 minutes to complete a five-minute drive, complemented by a cranky driver who hates the fact that he’s making life easier for a few students. This option is not recommended. Simply remind yourself that exercise is a good thing, and make like Richard Simmons up that hill. Your body will thank you once you get back to your daily pasta and potatoes at every meal, come fall.

***

Is UCLA a bad place? Definitely not. Is it fair for me to tell people at the breakfast table that it has essentially the same atmosphere as Harvard? Absolutely not. The schools are divergent in just about every way, or so it seems. Still, it’s my responsibility to use this summer as a time to reflect, to take the challenges I’ve faced at UCLA this summer and apply that same energy to a reexamination of what works and what doesn’t at Harvard. Otherwise, those 76 steps up to Rieber Hall every day after chemistry didn’t mean too much.

Deborah B. Doroshow ’04, a Crimson editor, is a History and Science concentrator in Mather House. She very much likes little cubes of blue jello in ice cream dishes, but hates The Daily Bruin, UCLA’s student newspaper.