Clip this column and take it with you to the Stadium on Saturday.

I’m not an egomaniac, nor trying to be boastful. It’s just that everything you wanted to know about Harvard and Penn will follow in the next 20 inches.

Sure, if you’re a football fan, feel free to peruse the previews on the rest of this page for in-depth analysis about the teams on the field.

But this column is for you Harvard fans out there who REALLY want to know why Penn sucks. I’ve carefully considered several “intangibles” in proving why Harvard is better than Penn, as if there was any doubt.

Quick disclaimer: I am from Pennsylvania, and I once considered applying to Penn. Then, I sobered up.

On to the break-down:

1) LOCATION: Harvard’s located in Cambridge and Boston, beautiful New England towns with a rich history and plenty to offer young students. Penn’s campus is in Philadelphia, replete with smog, rats and people from New Jersey.

EDGE: HARVARD.

2) CAMPUS: Harvard centers around vibrant Harvard Square, the Charles River and the green Longwood Medical Campus. Penn was built in the middle of the Philly ghetto. Sometimes I think that was on purpose.

EDGE: HARVARD.

3) FOOD: Sure, Harvard students may suffer from an abundance of General Wong’s chicken, but at least we have 13 places around campus to get a free meal at all times of the day. Penn students—I’m not making this up—primarly get their sustinence from cheesesteaks and Chinese dishes bought from street vendors. You ever try egg rolls dipped in hot dog water?

EDGE: HARVARD.

4) ACADEMIC REPUTATION: Harvard, of course, is one of the nation’s top universities and is attended by the best students from around the world. Penn, at best, acts as Penn State’s Philadelphia campus.

EDGE: HARVARD

5) FOUNDER: John Harvard was a mysterious Englishman with a few books whose statue gets pissed on by drunk students. Ben Franklin, founder of Penn, was a great American intellectual and founding father.