Sometimes I think the writers of the “American Pie” movies went to Harvard.

True, I highly doubt that typical Harvard students spend their entire summers having a great time on the beach, but I can’t help thinking about that movie—and its delightful group of bandies—every time I see the Harvard marching band during another inexplicably baffling halftime show.

“American Pie” is still an exaggeration—the individuals in the Harvard Band are some of the friendliest people I know, nothing like the weird-looking geeks in the movie. But put them all together on Soldiers Field, and you have the ultimate band camp—tons of people who are supposed to be entertaining the audience but instead seem to be performing what the average fan can only interpret as one huge inside joke.

Come halftime, 50 instrument-wielding band members stumble onto the field, while some guy in the press box mumbles something unintelligible about either Larry Summers or the opposing school’s nickname. In fact, I’ve heard rumors that the person speaking is in fact giving a whole narrative that explains what the band is supposed to be doing.

To date, these rumors remained unconfirmed, however, since no one has ever been able to make out what the guy was actually saying.

Then the band struggles to form shapes which I can only assume are supposed to be letters of the alphabet, while playing a song which I’ve probably never heard of, and couldn’t make out even if I had.

Participation is erratic at best, and you never know who’s going to show up in the band on any given Saturday. Some days there seems to be an extreme shortage of drummers, probably because they just didn’t feel like going to the game.

When one or two trumpet players are still stumbling into the ‘H’ five seconds after everyone else has stopped moving, you know there’s a problem. In short, it sometimes looks like the band is there simply for its own amusement. And when this happens in one Harvard’s most public displays, it borders on embarrassing.

In fairness to our band, they’re not alone—the opposing band is usually not much better—especially if it’s from an Ivy League school.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Marching bands that take themselves seriously can be an entertaining, even inspiring part of a college football game. Few melodies are as beloved by the home crowd (or loathed by opposing fans) at games as Michigan’s “Hail to the Victors” or the “USC Trojan March” performed by seemingly hundreds of trumpets. Even the FSU “War Chant” and accompanying tomahawk chop can be somewhat addicting (if annoying at the same time).

And it’s not just the major colleges—some of the best bands around are at smaller Div. I-AA schools like Grambling or Florida A&M.

To make matters worse, Yale’s band routinely shows us up at The Game with that incessant “Bulldog Bulldog” tune. Unfortunately, that tune’s kinda catchy, and when all the Yale fans join in, it presents an image of spirit which Harvard sorely lacks.

I’m willing to bet that Harvard students, on the whole, have as much if not more musical talent than any of these schools. It would be nice if we could show it.

In our band’s defense, many of these schools give academic credit for participating in band. Why Harvard doesn’t do this is a mystery, but that’s not going to change anytime soon.

In any case, while the lack of academic credit is no excuse, Harvard students are known for taking their extracurriculars seriously, and people in the band should be able to do the same thing.

For a contrast, look at Harvard’s cheerleaders. They may not be the best in the world, but they have their routines down before the morning of the game, they all come to (at the very least) every home football game, and it’s clear that they’re at the game to entertain the fans—not themselves. They don’t get academic credit either, but at least it looks like they take what they do seriously.

I’m not sure who the band thinks they’re entertaining—all I know is I’m not being entertained.

Sure, I gotta give the band a lot of credit for taking 75 people on the 16-hour trip to Cornell last weekend. That’s a huge commitment. But if they’re just going to produce an unintelligible, sloppy show once they get there, what’s the point?

But I have confidence that band members are smart enough and talented enough to make their performances an enjoyable experience. I know nothing about music and even less about marching, but here are some suggestions to get them started anyway.

First and foremost, home football games are the centerpiece of any marching band. Attendance should be mandatory. Having a 50 percent participation rate at home games is simply inexcusable. It means that there’s no continuity in the band, no one knows who will show up on any given game day and, sure enough, the routines look awful.

Also, get someone up there on the PA system we can actually understand. The PA announcer during the games is crystal clear, there’s no reason one of the 100 of you can’t be at least intelligible

And let’s see the band participate in the games more often. A couple of lines from one of the Harvard fight songs after a big play, maybe? We have some pretty good fight songs, let’s hear them more often.

Most importantly, it’s about time the band take things just as seriously as everyone else out there on the field. Several members already do, maybe even most of them do, but it sure doesn’t look like it.

There’s enough musical talent at this school to make our band great. With just a little effort from our band, fans will be enjoying the halftime show at Harvard, not laughing at it.