So this is it, the last In the [K]now of the year, perhaps the last In the [K]now ever. It was pointed out to me that this might be my last chance to ever explain myself. And so, without further ado, I present to you the Interview of all Interviews.

SOMAN CHAINANI BY MEI PIN

MP: bng a big celbrty, do u evr get stoppd in e st?

SC: [sighs] You know, I love having fans and I love the support, but it's hard. I totally understand what Ricky Martin means when he says he needs his "alone time." Every day, I need that hour of silence where I do Ashtanga Yoga in my Maharishi pants and I chant "Om" into the silence of my darkened dorm room. When I'm doing promotional tours and junkets in Asia, it really gets out of control. The States aren't such a zoo, but I get no privacy here either. The other day, this woman comes running up to me and thrusts her newborn into my face. It was a nice baby, nothing extraordinary. And she's like, "Please, please hold my baby. This has been my life's dream." So I hold it, and it smells like most babies. And then she starts crying. "I'm like, please. Really. Stop crying and pllleassee take your stinky baby." She stammers, "Will you, uhh, please be this child's godfather? That's all I've ever wanted. For you to be my child's godparent." And I just sighed and was like, "You know, I can't. I'm just sooooo busy."

MP: wat r ur plans 4 e rest of ur life?

SC: To go and be an ascetic on the top of Mount Meru. I have been so materialistic all these years. I need to go figure out what my place in the world is. I'll take my yoga mat and my Evian and I'll see you once I attain nirvana. Either that or go into consulting.

MP: wat r ur plans 4 e rest of my life?

SC: To get far, far away from you. Your no-vowels thing is starting to get on my nerves.

MP: kiss my ass. btw, y is ur ass so skinny?

SC: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. I was a Jabba the Hut baby for like two days and ever since then, I've been a lean, mean, pop culture machine. (Don't you love fat babies? You can knock them over and they'll stay there for days!) Actually, every one is holding their breath in anticipation because my mom has been a toothpick since birth and my dad started out a twig and got his healthy gut around age 20 or 21. So it's 50-50-am I gonna be a size 30 waist and have a flat stomach forever? Or will I finally get to buy an extra large T-shirt and drink a beer without getting full? My grandfather used to buy me weight gainer as a present every Christmas, but now the whole family is worried I might actually get fat. In the meantime, I'm all about pistachio milkshakes from Ben & Jerry's.