Final projects and torrential downpours have brought the groovy train to a grinding halt. As spring formal season kicks into high gear, we’re still kicking ourselves for not scoring an invitation to the Senior Soiree. Redemption comes in the form of the fabled Keezer’s Dodecathlon: attending all 12 house formals in one fell swoop. The last person to attempt this Olympian feat drowned in an abyss of mixed punch and remixed pop. It can be done: provided you mind your p’s and q’s.

Pinning a corsage on a barely constrained chest constitutes the first hurdle of the night. Proposition: primrose placement may seem a pleasing preface to the promenade, presuming the preeminent payoff does not involve a prurient priapism.

Haul that ass over to The Castle in a glass-enclosed trolley. You better work!

The Lowell House Formal used to be a triple feat: jump from the watered-down punch in the Junior Common Room, to the thinned-out ‘80s pop in the dining hall, to the water-logged dance floor outside. This year tradition is thrown to the wind as Lowellians trek to Boston—just a hop, skip and a jump away.

Doing the 100-meter-dash in the blinding rain back to your Union dorm doesn’t make for record-setting conditions, especially when you’re dressed to the nine cm. stilettos. Hey, who let the metric system in here?

“Shave the ninth-semester shadow from your legs and seconds off your preparation time with the Lady Gilette TM.” Discuss.

Newcomers to the Winthrop Spring Swing would do well to exercise caution. Hardened swinging veterans are liable to fling their partners like shotputs to all corners of the floor. Watch that last drop step—it could save your life.

The Leverett Formal’s creative locale separates it from the rest of the field. Any event at FAO Schwartz promises to be fun—adding formalwear adds a whole new dimension. Fox-trotting across the electronic piano is child’s play—coaxing the life-size Darth Vader onto your dance card is the real challenge.