Disclaimer: The column you are about to read has been written countless times before, by countless other people, in countless different forms, in countless other forums. Nevertheless, the principles at stake are so important, so essential to the preservation of civility, that they require multiple repetitions. In short, no matter how stale the following may seem, it simply must be said.

Cellular phones are destroying our way of life. They are a greater threat than fluoride. For a while it seemed as if our academic enclave might remain untainted by this horrible cancer. Sadly, if we look around, we must conclude that all hope is now lost.

First, however, let us acknowledge that there are some good reasons why people in the professional world might need cell phones. A patient going into cardiac arrest and a retirement portfolio crashing come to mind as reasonable justifications for receiving a cellular phone call.

That being said, there is no good reason on God's green earth why a college student needs a cell phone. Not a single one. Not even close.

The fact is that no one on this campus is so important that they need to be constantly accessible. Despite their self-important delusions, all the editors and heads of student groups in our midst are essentially trivial people. In the grand scheme of things, they are fundamentally unimportant. Nothing they do has any critical impact on anything. Any problem that could possibly arise in the context of extracurricular collegiate life can wait. Most can probably wait days, but at the very least, every conceivable hiccup can wait until e-mail has been checked or messages have been played.

As for the ever-lovable socialites in our midst, they, too, suffer from serious delusional hysteria. When the time comes that they must coordinate a dinner party at Le Cirque with their diverse friends from all over the Upper East Side, then maybe their cell phone jabbering will be somewhat understandable, although certainly still abhorrent. However, right now, given the tiny geographic area in which we all dwell, the use of cell phones to plan social outings is entirely incomprehensible. After all, Grafton isn't all that far from the Fly, and the Spee is only a short walk from there. Even as they migrate from hot-spot to hot-spot, it shouldn't be too hard for the upper-crust to find each other on Friday night.

The best excuse for cell phone use currently floating around is that the long distance rates are cheaper. This is true. But there's no need to talk to mommy and daddy while you're strolling down Plympton Street. You can leave your cell phone in its cradle and enjoy all your free minutes from the comfort of your common room. Besides, I find this explanation for phone ownership a bit specious. If cell phones really are an effective means of saving money, how come all the scholarship kids aren't carrying around new StarTacs?

Granted, a cell phone can sometimes be convenient. But, with all of the Centrex and computer terminals all over campus, most people should not find it especially difficult to communicate with each other. And, last time I checked, most Square establishments boast easily accessible pay phones. Any added benefit that comes from having a phone in your purse is handsomely outweighed by the cost to the rest of us.