A letter my friend received from an, uh, let's just say "eager" parent:

Dear -,

I enjoyed talking to you that night. My main request to you is to ask you to profile a highly rated entering Harvard freshman for me. I would use that information to mould my daughter to be a potential Harvard student along those lines.

I suppose the key ingredients are curricular and extra-curricular activities and research. Tell me, to the extent you know, what would an ideal student look like? More as we carry on.

Warm Wishes, -"

GWYNESAURUS REX!

You knew it was coming, it was just a question of when. How long could I hold it in?

Well, the time has come to revisit the Gwynesaurus. I think the last time I discussed the Boo Hoo Hooligan, I left you with this closing thought. "Do I think Gwyneth Paltrow is a terrible person? No. Do I think she's the devil? Absolutely." Let there be no doubt, however, that I not only hate Gwyneth Paltrow, but I hate the very idea of Gwyneth Paltrow. Every time I chance upon her pouty, fresh-faced visage, salon-tended hair and clothes that you just know she didn't pay for, I feel my blood start to boil. I get the primal, irrepressible urge to jump on a cross-country bus to wherever she's shooting, run up to her in the middle of a scene and kick her in the knee. And let there be no doubt that right after I bruise her shin, I will make a very bad face at her.

After Shakespeare in Love and her shameful performance at the Oscars last year, Paltrow thankfully lay low for a short time. Too short in my opinion, because now she's about to be back in theaters with Bounce, and everyone's content to revisit and re-hype Ben-neth.

But I tried to ignore her. I valiantly resisted against every temptation. But then Ben Affleck unintentionally made it personal. In an interview, he gushed, "She does yoga for an hour and a half each day. She speaks French, she speaks fluent Spanish and she speaks passable conversational Italian. She knows about art history, architecture, culture, style and wine. And she knows all about football, too. It really makes you feel inadequate." I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead. I made a checklist in my head -I'm not limber enough for yoga (plus I think some positions should only be practiced in, well, whatever), I can't speak French, my Spanish has degenerated into grade-A Spanglish, and I only know the words "caprese" and "fiorello" in Italian. Art history always profoundly befuddled me, I confuse gothic and Romanesque architecture, my brother constantly accuses of me not only of being uncultured but also tasteless, I'm always behind a season when it comes to style, and last but not least, wine gives me a thunderous headache. I swallowed hard before putting it all together. Gasp-I'm not as cool as Gwyneth Paltrow. Despair...devastation.... death.

"But wait," I thought. "She also got dumped by Brad Pitt for Jennifer Aniston." Gone were the feelings of inadequacy, and I headed out to Toscanini's for a hot vanilla (so good!).

The truth is, Gwyneth Paltrow still breathes rarefied air, still has stringy hair and still has absolutely nothing to say. My opinions were reconfirmed when I heard about how she recently introduced a journalist visiting her on-set to her live-in sidekick. "This is Leela," said the Grand Trollope. "Leela's my yoga teacher and she makes me organic, macrobiotic lunches that are delicious. What are we having today?" "Spelt," says Leela. "Spelt," says Gushy Gwyneth, "is more easily digestible than wheat. Wheat's very hard on your immune system. But I promise you, you practice Ashtanga every day and you eat like this, nothing can stop you."

Ashtanga or no Ashtanga, I'm thinking, if I bop you in the knee, that's gonna stop you.

TALE OF THE TAPE: CHARITY vs. SPIDERWOMAN

Usually, we have one big theater event a semester-a show that's not only hip to see, but also hip to be seen. But who could have predicted we'd have two in one weekend? To add to the intrigue, the sparring musicals couldn't be more different. Sweet Charity, directed by Katy Walsh and Jim Augustine, is a sunshiney souffle of energy and eagerness that seems like the perfect diversion after a week of stress. Kiss of the Spiderwoman, on the other hand, is a profoundly moving drama of serious intention. Both will be great, I'm sure, but which should you see first? I sent out a quickie tale of the tape questionnaire to both casts. The Charity crew fired off a set of giggly responses while Kiss of the Spiderwoman's, in characteristic seriousness, reportedly was not amused.

SOMAN'S SHORTS

www.somanintheknow.com. Come on over, baby... The Crimson shoot process means that executives like me have to endure more kiss-asses than the Sultan of Brunei. It's really intolerable, and I'm starting to lose my temper. All I know is that the next person who tries to kiss up, I'm going to set on fire... Wasn't Citystep surreal? But by the time you got your bearings and had a chance to hook up in the mini subway car exhibit, the damn thing was over. Too short, too many 50-buck hair styles (I'm applying for UC grant to start an Anti-Tendril Association), wayyyy too many freshmen... One of my friends spotted a poster for the College Democrats reading "What Would Harry Potter Do? Vote for Al Gore!" Ummm, hi? That's my slogan. And Harry Potter, even if he was old enough, would most certainly stay away from all things involving the American electorate... Remember last week I postulated that the reason Christina Aguilera canceled all her concerts was because she was smoking too much bud? Well, a friend on the inside wrote in: "Actually, she got a new manager, and he decided to cancel appearances that were planned by his predecessor. She's not really having vocal chord problems."... I'm interviewing for my Disney dream job tomorrow. If you see me this weekend and I look happy, ask me how it went. If I look unhappy, offer to buy me a stiff drink... Since I am supposed to be cutting-edge, I flouted a green sports vest and matching pants to lunch the other day and was immediately greeted with a chorus of jeers from my blocking group. "You look like the sixth member of 'Nsync," said one. "Hooray!" I replied. But the boos and flying butternut squash drove me back to my room to change... I hear that the zambonis at the Hockey Center are having spontaneous combustion problems. Hockey games never seem to get that big a crowd, but I have no doubt that all of Harvard would turn up to watch a zamboni on fire, no?...Speaking of erupting into flames, I just got another kiss-ass e-mail from a Crimson shooter. Out come the matches.

Questions, Comments, Air Hockey Strategy Tips? E-mail schainan@fas

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