Overheard in an Ec10 section...

TF: So what do you think about this trend?

FIRST-YEAR: (stammering) Uhh, well I think that, you know, well it depends on like whether, uhh... I just think that well, if you look at it from like uh, you know, um... (long pause) I should have gone to Purdue. (Buries head in hands).

Overheard in another Ec10 section...

TF: Let's talk about Wednesday's lecture for a few minutes. He was talking about how education and income are related, right? (Section remains silent)

TF: Well, if you think about it, it makes sense, right? That's what he was talking about, right? You know, labor and education, education and income... (Section still remains silent)

TF: Okay, I admit it, I didn't go to lecture. (Buries head in hands)

TREND-O-RAMA: RIGHT FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH

Celebrities just love being their own fans. They start their own fan clubs, approve their own action figures, trademark their names-and now, in the latest fit of egomania, launch their own "official" celebrity websites. But who knew that narcissism could be so unintentionally hilarious? Take a look at the highlights of these official celeb sites:

1. www.mariahcarey.org. Unabashedly shameful and shameless. Indulge yourself in Mariah screensavers, a 24/7 Mariah radio station, a gratuitous Q&A page with the most trivial info bytes (it lists Mariah's height as 5'10". I don't think so), and my personal favorite-Mariah video games! You can piece together a skimpy Mariah puzzle, play hangman with Mariah's lyrics, or play Mariah concentration (the game header reads, "It's easy to play because you get to concentrate on Mariah!"). While surfing through this nightmare of a site, I'm still thinking that the same people who buy Mariah Carey records and play Mariah Concentration are the same people who set O.J. free. But then the stupidity reaches a whole new level at the deceptively titled section, "Support Mariah's Cause!" Instead of information on a charity that might redeem the anorexic diva, I get this nonsense:

"So now you've heard every song, learned way too much about her, memorized her lyrics and now you want to give something back. But how? The main thing, of course, is to buy her merchandise! The Billboard and worldwide charts are based on the number of sales, and the more albums she sells the more albums she'll make."

I wrote Mariah an e-mail, "I don't want you to make more albums. So what do you say we start demanding our wasted money back?"

2. www.russellcrowe.com. The site for the coolest guy alive is still under construction but there are some nifty pictures of his torn rotator cuff under a surgeon's knife. We even get Crowe's wicked commentary on the arthroscopic procedure: "Vivid memory of shaving of armpit, request by four hospital staff to strip naked and put on paper pants. Impolitely declined-basis of my argument, 'it's my fucking shoulder.'"

3. www.jessicasimpson.com. What a bimbo. Weeks ago, I remarked that Jessica Simpson's chin would prevent her from being a star, but now I realize that she's going nowhere as long as she keeps logging entries into that damn diary on her official website. You have to read it all the way through to appreciate how vapid this Britney-wannabe actually is (she even gushes about a starstruck encounter with-gag-Celine Dion), but here's a sample to tide you over: "Nick [Lachey, from 98 Degrees] was a little upset because I encouraged him to get his hair cut and they really cut it short and he was not too happy but i think he looks cute because he always looks cute...okay I am being mushy so I will stop...I don't want to make you sick!!! HEHE!!! Did i mention Nick is cute...HAHAHA!!!"

Not to be outdone by the celebs themselves, there's also a healthy collection of anti-fan pages that more than make up for all this gooey self-promotion. Surf to these cynical sites and you'll get a chance to pee on Christina Aguilera, shoot the Backstreet Boys' brains out, dance the merengue on a dead Jennifer Lopez and even get some advice on how to heckle Britney Spears (i.e. "Make a big poster with one of the following 'nicknames' for her: 'Bitchney Queers, Skanky Spears, Bitch, Slutney Spears, Bit-Shit Skank, Titney Spears, etc.'") Ohhh, the kids in America these days. Who knew they had so much free time?

IN THE (K)NOW SUPERSTARS!

This week, we pick another It Boy and It Girl whose names are on everybody's lips

It Boy: Matt MacInnis '02...When the Masquerade became a sweaty, sloppy mess, Matt rescued the roaming masses by DJ-ing a fabulous Plympton St. party that was the place to be seen on Saturday night. Besides having great taste in music, he's also one of the chillest, coolest guys you'll meet.

It Girl: Christina S. N. Lewis '02...Talk about presence! Dripping with style and sass, Christina can work a room like nobody's business. (She's so cool that we can honestly say she deserves to have "cslewis" as her e-mail address.)

SOMAN'S SHORTS

I tried to lay low after that particularly controversial column last week... www.somanintheknow.com. Make it your home page... We just scored an interview with Adam Sandler. Look for it soon...Fargo and The Shawshank Redemption are my two all-time favorite movies. So you can imagine that I'm not a particularly big fan of the Oscars since they ignore brilliant movies like these in favor of drivel like Forrest Gump and The English Patient. But I actually feel bad for the Academy this year-what in the world can voters look forward to? There's no good movies on the horizon... I hate getting political, but the election is too close to call and I'm losing my temper. Instead of launching into a tirade replete with sound intellectual arguments and statistics, I'll just quote Cher: "Has everyone lost their fucking minds? Doesn't anybody remember the illustrious Reagan-Bush years when people had no money and no jobs? What has happened to people's memories? It's like they have Alzheimer's or something. I don't like George W. Bush. I don't trust him. I don't like his record. He's stupid. He's lazy."... Sweet Charity, that frothy cream puff of a musical, goes up next weekend in the Loeb against the anything but frothy Kiss of the Spider Woman in the Agassiz. Verrry interesting. I wonder which will get more buzz?... Said creepy director Vincent Gallo of his Buffalo 66 star Christina Ricci, "She was okay when she wasn't drunk on the set. I think she's an alcoholic-either that or she was on cough syrup the whole time."... I think Garth Brooks' recent retirement is a bit of a hoax. He's still desperate to break that Beatles' sale record, so he'll lay low and then pull a "comeback" stunt in a couple of years to massive acclaim. How do I know? Because during his "retirement," his record company will rerelease each of his six albums and bring out new versions of some old songs in order to inch him closer to the Beatles' tally... I want to go to Madonna's party! She's throwing a fiesta at the Roseland Ballroom in New York and she'll sing some songs from her new album. But Madonna didn't invite me. That's ok. I won't invite her to my It Boy and It Girl Mixer... Christina Aguilera is having vocal chord problems and had to cancel a slew of concerts again for the second time in a month. This sounds strangely similar to the string of "maladies" which sidelined Whitney Houston while she was off smoking the ganja... Karmic revenge seems to be a hot topic this week. I overheard one boy in Lowell dining hall telling his friend: "Look at that girl now. She's fat. She's put on a good 15 to 20. And you know what? She deserves it for being such a bitch."...'80s Dance tonight! Get there early, otherwise you'll miss all the best songs...With the presidential fever building to a climax, I suddenly felt inspired. So I asked myself, "What would Harry Potter do if he wanted to capitalize on all this political activism?" And then it came to me. I want to run a publicity campaign for a UC President candidate!

Questions, Comments, Want Help Winning Council Prez? E-mail schainan@fas

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