Pity the poor midwest.

Really, weep for that nebulous region of the country between Las Vegas and the Appalachian Mountains. It has produced a fine native son in William Painter Bohlen, morally upright, journalistically sound, but fundamentally misguided in matters of national importance.

The St. Louis Cardinals.

Tonight the National League Championship Series opens and Bohlen along with millions of kindred souls will be pulling for the Redbirds.

Pity the poor midwest.

New York City and its Metropolitans are coming to town and are ready to enforce a fundamental law of nature--New York wins.

No matter how this series is broken down, when it is all said and done, there isn't a thing Kile, Clark, Edmonds, Ankiel or even god almighty--Mark McGwire--can do about it.

Sure the Cardinals will put on a brave face, and may even win a game, but in the end the Mets have a date with destiny in the World Series.

New York simply has too much talent on its squad to lose. It has as good a starting rotation as any in baseball with Mike Hampton, Al Leiter, Rick Reed and the new hero of the hour, Bobby J. Jones. And you better pray that you get to the starters because the bullpen is airtight with lefties at every turn.

The really scary part is that the Mets dispatched the NL's best regular season team in its divisional series without Mike Piazza or Robin Ventura having anything close to a good series.

It's called being the best team money can buy and the Mets' only competition in this department shares their address. In baseball, when you're the best team money can buy, that means you're the best team.

Ask the San Francisco Giants. Or the Oakland A's. Nice guys finish last.

Pity the poor midwest.

Really, how can St. Louis be a champion of all baseball? Sure it can have its Central Division title, a competition between New York wannabees (Chicago), never-beens (Cincinnati), redneck dairy farmers (Milwaukee) and just plain rednecks (Houston). And fuhgedabout the Pirates.

Championships simply belong in New York. The city knows how to appreciate a title. Its victors receive a ticker-tape parade down the Canyon of Heroes, worshipped by millions.

St. Louis can throw a party under an arch.

Really, how inspirational is that? St. Louis is known as the gateway to the midwest. Great. Go North and you reach cornfields. South and you reach Mississippi (lots of culture there). Let's not even get into East and West.

One word: Missouri.

Don't think this doesn't operate in a player's subconscious. When the moment of truth arrives in a series, and a player must dig deep to produce that critical hit or leap the extra inch for a diving catch, the rewards for execution can uncover the hidden energy that makes the play happen.

Piazza will celebrate his moon shots off Daryl Kile with drinks from the 21 Club, steaks from Bobby Vans and a rave at the Flow (and then go home to his Playmate of the Millennium girlfriend).

The best Will "the Thrill" Clark can hope for is a Bud and a hi-five from a yokel with a beer gut. And while I'm sure that Birdy means well, the deck was stacked against him from birth.

Pity the poor midwest.

The Mets and Cardinals have clashed before. This is a rivalry that flourished in the eighties, steeped in names like Keith Hernandez, Gary Carter, Ozzie Smith and Willie McGee. They had some epic battles during that time but when the dust had settled on the decade only one team emerged with a World Series championship.

You know who.

Both squads then fell upon hard times in the early 90s. St. Louis suffered because teams not from world capitals can only remain good for so long; New York, because in part, it signed the one Cardinal not made of apple pie, Vince Coleman. (I wonder which team he's setting off fireworks for in this series?)

But now the glory days are back and the Mets have their eyes on the prize. It's right that New York teams win championships, but the wrong one has been doing it for the past four years.

Will, please, as a colleague and a friend, see the light before it's too late. Don't let your innocent little heart fall upon disappointment. Hampton is gonna outduel Kile tonight. Leiter is simply a money playoff pitcher. Then the series goes back to Shea. To Queens--New York.

Pity.