REAL ESTATE APPRAISALS

Since first-years have just found out the big news, we thought we'd share the insights of some seasoned students on the pros and cons of the various Houses. But just so you don't think this sounds like a house T-shirt collection, we've added a few things you probably didn't know (and might not want to).

Adams House

Pro: The Molotov Cafe has become a Bohemian joint almost to rival Cafe Pamplona.

Con: Second-hand smoke kills millions of Americans each year.

What You Didn't Know: The Lower Common Room features a small but working pipe organ.

Cabot House

Pro: The rooms are big, the parties are weekly.

Con: After three years, you'll still only know twenty people.

What You Didn't Know: One of the suites in the house actually has a bar built into it.

Carrier House

Pro: You get a single.

Con: You live in what should be a conference center.

What You Didn't Know: Internationally renowned pianist Randall Hodgkinson has an office and practices regularly in the house.

Dunster House

Pro: It's the most picturesque house.

Con:Goat meat tastes funny.

What You Didn't Know: The tunnels and basement feature squash courts, a basketball court, and the best house foosball table on campus--a Tornado.

Eliot House

Pro: Prestige--the big circular driveway with the BMW parked in front says it all.

Con: You went to a public school.

What You Didn't Know: There are elephants hiding on the cement moldings around the windows.

Kirkland House

Pro: My god, all these people work out!

Con: Kirkland is no more a river house than Quincy or Adams, despite popular delusions.

What You Didn't Know: The library is actually a free-standing colonial home that was transplanted from another location in Cambridge and annexed to the house.

Leverett House

Pro: You'll be able to study enough to help the House lead the College--again--in Phi Beta Kappa appointees.

Con: The Towers' hallways remind you of the "Die Hard" building after the power went out.

What You Didn't Know: The Leverett Old Library puts on a continuing series of Shakespeare plays.

Lowell House

Pro: Tranquility rules in the College's only fully enclosed courtyard.

Con: Everyone who lives here would rather be somewhere else.

What You Didn't Know: Lowell's bells, usually rung at 1:00 pm on Sunday, are tuned in sixths, whereas most bells are tuned in fifths or thirds.

Mather House

Pro: The Tower offers the best river views on campus.

Con: It's just as far from the Yard as the Quad.

What You Didn't Know: This House was designed to be riot-proof; count how many shots the police have at you as you wind your way up the reinforced concrete steps to the dining hall.

North House

Pro: Hey, they're getting cable here!

Con: Politics gets extremely nasty here, for reasons that can only be attributed to the house population.

What You Didn't Know: The dining hall has one table for two--the Lovers' Nook--on a balcony overlooking the rest of the room.

Quincy House

Pro: It's one, big, really happy family.

Con: Cinderblock and exposed pipes are de rigueur for juniors and seniors.

What You Didn't Know: The Senior Tutor, Dr. Rory Browne, keeps lizards--big ones--in his apartment in New Quincy.

Winthrop House

Pro: The tire swing in the courtyard resonates that homey feeling.

Con: High school rears its ugly, pimply head.

What You Didn't Know: The soda machine in the dining hall was the only one on campus open 24 hours a day until the management closed it down in a vile show of force.

Now at least you'll have something about your new house to lord over your fellow students. But beware, they're just as well equipped: "At least I'm not going to die from the fumes of cheap cigarettes!"

WHO, WHOM?

The verdict is in, literally. Rotund City Councillor William Walsh was convicted this week on 41 counts of fraud, which is extraordinary for Cambridge in the sense that convictions of city officials are rare; however, the careless nature of Walsh's perpetrations are nothing out of the ordinary in the annals of Cambridge government.

Despite the likelihood of jail time, Walsh has refused to step down from his post, as if aware that his resignation would bring up the dignity of Cambridge government beyond where it deserves to be. Walsh's colleagues have made a fundamental mistake in relying mainly on statute to force the removal. Walsh's guilt and weight would surely break the scales of Justice--if the City Council really wants to get rid of this particular dead weight, it should abandon statutes and try a crane.

The Councillors most vehement about Walsh's removal are those who, unlike Walsh, favor Cambridge's system of rent control. We at Dartboard wonder if Walsh and his opponents are really so far apart. Walsh used a realestate scheme to line his pockets at a bank's expense, his opponents used an equally odious scheme to line their constituents' pockets at landowners' expense. Walsh just made the mistake of indulging his cupidity privately, rather than under color of law. Such is logic in the People's Republic of Cambridge.

HERE'S LANI!

You heard right. Reputed "quota queen" Lani Guinier '71 will have yet another audience for her Clintonian tale of woe--the Class of 1994. Guinier is slated as the annual speaker for the pre-Commencement event, yet another example of how rude Presidential treatment can catapult the otherwise obscure to cult stardom. Although most people seem quite pleased with the choice, there is no doubt that a size able minority would prefer another speaker; after all, if getting jilted by Bill Clinton were sufficient qualification for giving the Address, we might as well invite Gennifer Flowers. At least she has the advantage of not looking like Scotty Pippen in drag.

It's only fair that we should take Ms. Guinier's own advice about how to deal with representing minorities--in this case the minority which has had quite enough of Ms. Guinier's oft-repeated apologia for her writings.

Although technically outvoted, the anti-Guinier faction should not be tyrannized by a mere majority. No, as Ms. Guinier once suggested, proportional representation is in order. If, for example, it is ascertained that 25% of the class objects to the present choice, 25% of the time alloted for the Class Day address should go to an alternate speaker who embodies their values. And if we at Dartboard may be so bold, we'd like to offer a suggestion: a fellow political jiltee, who also saw the objections to his views intensified by his unfortunately unsympathetic mien. Robert Bork, come on down!.

I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR

Well, it looks like grunge officially died yesterday--with a messy shotgun wound to the head. The bloodspattered corpse of Kurt Cobain, leader of the rock band Nirvana, was found dead along with a undisclosed suicide note in his Seattle apartment.

Alternative Boston radio station WFNX (101.7 FM) proclaimed April 8th a day of "mourning" and arranged a Nirvana "A" to "Z" memorial to the punk cult hero. As over-kill, so to speak, they also promised to play a medley of songs by bands that Kurt thought were cool, including the Melvins and the Meat Puppets.

Evidently for those with short attention spans, the disk jockeys repeated the news of the rock star's untimely death every five minutes since yesterday morning, when the story began flashing across the wire.

Between songs our sympathetic deejays carefully advised listeners not to "do anything you might regret later." Instead, we should "light candles" and "put on a pot of tea." Was this New Age grunge etiquette for the deceased?

Our favorite radio personalities also offered information on the upcoming funeral, in case we were "thinking of flying to Seattle." By the way, Seattle is the grunge capital of the world. Even pre-grunge psychedelic hippy Jimi Hendrix is buried there. According to our sources, that's where all the dead rock stars live. As for the funeral, we require advice about which flannel shirts and stocking caps to wear. We checked our collective closets which are desperately lacking anything in black plaid.

As a footnote, we at Darboard discovered that one song was noticeably absent from the WFNX's comprehensive "A" to "Z" play list: the single which appeared on Geffen Records' The Beavis and Butt-head Experience. The title, you ask? I Hate Myself and Want To Die.