Last week former vice president Dan Quayle announced his candidacy for president of the United States.

While rifling through the trash at a Republican fundraiser where Quayle spoke this weekend I found receipts for gun shipments into East Los Angeles, blueprints for a Mega Disney in Rwanda and the trust of the American people.

(Funny thing is I found the same things at the Democratic fundraiser across the street. Hmm.)

The most interesting find, however, was the following speech which appears to be the draft Quayle wrote himself before his staff handed him the one he would give:

Hi, America. My name Dan Quayle. This is my position paper speech for president of the United States. My teacher told me if I submitted a position paper, that would be a good thing to do to be president.

I know what you're thinking: "Why is this guy running for president?" And I do have an answer to that question.

I'm on medication. Smart medication, that will make me smart. No more embarrassing speeches for Danny boy.

I solve problems. Last night, for example, I did this really hard word problem and didn't even use my fingers to add.

There are five basic problems plaguing this Great Nation. I will solve them all without using my fingers.

The second is taxes.

The middle class is shrinking. The underclass is growing. I read this on a poster once. It's very sad to me.

I even wrote a poem about it. Here goes: Roses are red/violets are blue/poverty sucks/free Mumia.

You middle classers are working harder for less money. You know why? I know why. What I don't know is why she swallowed the fly.

The reason, my friendly Americans, is taxes. No, not why she swallowed the fly, silly people.

Taxes are too high. I'm high! Just kidding of course. You think I'm dumb? Okay, bad question.