Monica mayhem may never end. The saga of Dartboard's favorite intern-turned-temptress reached new heights when a double-edged persona emerged on national TV Wednesday night.

Lewinsky may have taken the moral high ground by declining to dish about the Bill-Hill relationship, but when it came to her own romps outside the Oval Office, Miss Monica was all giggles. It was nice to see that "that woman" seemed as disillusioned with the president as we are, but Lewinsky didn't look that concerned about her future. "Mommy made a big mistake?" Knitting? Monica, you've now explained phone sex to Barbara Walters. There's no PTA presidency in your future.

Wyatt Earp and the O.K. Lowall

Fun is relative. Some people play checkers for fun, others listen to music, and some get their kicks running naked through Harvard Yard--who are we to judge? Yet, Lowell House Masters recently decided that fun is not fun when it means playing assassin. Hey! That's not fair!

From the days Dartboard started playing illicit games of tag in the house on rainy days to the times we organized kick-the-can during the summer months, we have always enjoyed our games. Must entry to the ivory tower mean abandoning all such frivolous activities?

Which is not to say that assassin is a frivolous activity. It has long been known that games are educational for offspring of all species. Games like assassin teach fledglings how to stalk prey, spot the enemy, devise an escape plan and avoid the crossfire. Harvard students translate: stalk run-away food at Annenberg, spot your professor at the Grill and find your way to the bathroom.

Liability concerns have caused final clubs to bar their doors. Dartboard wonders if Lowell House Masters are thinking along the same lines.

Are they worried about skinned knees from slipping on the concrete and wet clothes due to water pistols? Or is it simply a deeply ingrained fear of college students running amok with plastic toys? Whatever it is, we don't buy it.

From the days our mother told us, "no running in the house," we knew she was really saying, "Don't knock over the Ming vase please."

So, Lowell House Masters, we offer our sincere and wide-eyed promise that we will not smash your Ming vases as we play our rainy-day games. In return, why not allow your all-too-serious future investment bankers a chance to kill or be killed. It's not all fun and games, we know, but we wish it were!

Barking up the Wrong Tree?

As a member of the furrier species--what you disparagingly call a dog-I'd like to share some thoughts about this place my friend Scooby-Doo calls Harvard. After spending a week at this fine University, I can share a new perspective-the six inches-tall one-on collegiate life.

Everyone here seems to run around an awful lot but you don't really wave. That simple upward flip of the hand just doesn't cut it. Do you think tail wagging is effortless?

You could also be a teensy bit less condescending. Although us canines are cute-I resemble an Ewok-we've got something between the floppy ears. At 48 in dog years, I've been around the block (too many times, my owner thinks) and if given the chance, I'd have a thing or two to say about post-modernism.

To be fair though, I think you guys have really great traditions. I'm sorry I missed the Primal Scream--I walk around like that every day. Of course, the best one is that John Harvard statue thing. MONICA MAYHEM-Andrew K. Mandel; GUNSLINGERS-Meredith B. Osborn; BOW WOW-Jennifer M. Siegel & Dudley the Dog.