CURIOUSER & CURIOUSER: Altoids

It kills smoke. It clears sinuses. It refuses to catch fire, and it might as well be medicated. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's an Altoid. The origin of the unassuming peppermints' curious strength has baffled consumers for almost two centuries. Small, round and chalky, they threaten to burst from their Britishly metal tins. Set us free, their vaguely hospitalic aroma commands. Pop us in. Should you respond to their bidding, keep this in mind: the Altoid is a deadly, deadly breath freshener. Though it may leave neophytes running for water, however, the Altoid remains the mature alternative to chewing cud or making sparks. A.R. COHEN

BUBBLE DELIGHT: Bazooka

Stop trying to conform. Go back to your roots with the one and only Bazooka Joe. Mints, shmints; cinnaburst, minnamurst. What's weaker than a sudden explosion of mock maturity than the youngster who without warning switches from bubble gum to mint? Really, it's all about the roots. Who was there in elementary school and junior high? Not the Wrigley's twins, not any strangely favored lifesaver, not any "curiously strong" mint. It was, always has been, and always will be good old Joe, with a comic wrap to keep that smile on your face and a familiar flavor to keep you chomping and blowing bubbles all throughout that boring science b section. Drop the act-go back to the Bazooka. J.Y. HYMAN

FRESH & ROUND: Wintogreen Lifesavers

With the sexual guarantees of pre-pubescent spin-the-bottle games and Big Red's "just kiss a little longer" campaign a thing of the past, Wintergreen Lifesaver's "when you bite it in the dark it makes a spark" gives the inexperienced a classier way to ignite some real electricity. With what other breath mint can you tantalize your tastebuds with the sugary sweetness of a candy at the same time as you rid your breath of the stale Folger's stench of late-nite cramming. Grab these brightly packaged, tasty "o"s from your Kate Spade and show your friends that you've got a wild side beneath that stylish exterior. Who needs the annoying pop of Bazooka Joe or the tongue-numbing Altoids tablet when you can suck with sophistication? In other words, pick up a roll, your "nightlife" depends on it.