Each semester, academic purists bewail the corrupted, materialistic attitude with which we Harvard students consume our education. In a world where scholars have turned pre-professionals and the grail of knowledge has turned into the golden calf of human capital, academic purists are crusaders in an unholy land--Willie Lomans in a web of modern market forces. Today's students do not take classes. They shop for them. They do not read Courses of Instruction. They read the CUE Guide, the academic equivalent of Consumer Reports. It is no wonder that, for the first time ever, professors caved into the demands of capitalism and started competing for students.

Wednesday, February 3: Registration Day. As students register for the new spring term, many are surprised to discover in their registration packets a neon-colored flier telling them to check out Foreign Cultures 48, "The Cultural Revolution." At nine that morning, Leroy B. Williams Professor of History and Political Science Roderick MacFarquhar tells a packed lecture hall his course had been given a "very favorable review" by the CUE Guide and that one-third of past students have found his lectures to be "enthralling and very clearly organized."

Under an hour later, Henry Ford II Professor of the Social Sciences Ezra F. Vogel explains to incoming students that Foreign Cultures 26, "Industrial East Asia" will examine the political and economic transformation of the Four Tigers of Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong and Singapore. He adds that his course is excellent preparation for aspiring investment bankers trying to make it in the Pacific Rim. Hundreds of economics and applied math concentrators mob him after lecture, pledging their intention to enroll.

Word of MacFarquhar's and Vogel's tactics spreads like wildfire throughout the Core Department. The first domino falls.

Thursday, February 4: Nobel Prize winning Frank B. Baird Jr. Professor of Science Dudley R. Herschbach enters the fray with his own ad campaign entitled "The Zen of Chem." In a radical move, Herschbach allocates half of his NIH grant to double the staff of teaching fellows for Chemistry 7. The teaching fellows are assigned a task they can actually do: postering the kiosks of the Yard.

As demand for Chemistry 20 plummets in the adjoining Science Center lecture hall, Professor of Chemistry Gregory L. Verdine is also forced to advertise. At seven cents a copy, profits for both classes dip below zero but thankfully remain above average variable cost of production so both courses operate in the short run. A Pyrrhic victory.

Friday, February 5: Frustrated that Social Analysis 10, "Principles of Economics," taught by Baker Professor of Economics Martin S. Feldstein '61, captures the top market share every year, the other Social Analysis professors collude to form a counter cartel but fail miserably. Subsequent market research shows why: Because Ec 10 is an indivisible full-year course, most students have already developed brand loyalty by the spring. Thus, the demand for Social Analysis 10 is shockingly inelastic. Susumu Kuno, Jay Jasanoff and Lynn Nichols, instructors for Social Analysis 34, "Knowledge of Language" are speechless.

Competition in the Core spins out of control as professors promise lighter workloads, optional papers and better-looking section leaders. In the Literature and Arts sector, Harry Starr Professor of Classical, Modern Jewish & Hebrew Literature James L. Kugel of Literature and Arts C-37, "The Bible and Its Interpreters" is rumored to have promised eternal salvation. Professor of History James Hankins from Historical Study B-19, "The Renaissance in Florence" quoting from Dante's Inferno, tells students the seventh circle of hell is reserved for those who drop his class. ACLU attorneys are called to investigate as Kugel finishes with the largest market share going into the weekend.

Monday, February 8: In a shocking move that ripples throughout the Core, the Office of Brain, Shore and Verrier, providers of Science B-23, "The Human Organism," decides to drop the letters "ni" from the course title to draw gullible customers from "Sex."

In retaliation, the instructors of the real "Sex," Ruth Moore Professor of Biological Anthropology Irven DeVore and Professor of Psychology Marc D. Hauser for Science B-29, "Human Behavioral Biology" hire a consulting firm to brainstorm ideas for next fall when competition will be "stiff." Suggestions after conducting videotaped focus groups include co-educational lab partners. The required movie will be replaced with "Pheromone Femmes," available only at four minute increments each costing 25 cents. The Core office intervenes for the first time to veto these plans. DeVore and Hauser appeal in the name of "academic freedom."

Tuesday, February 9: In a move widely decried as bad form, Professor of Geology Stephen J. Gould from Science B-16, "History of Life" promises co-authorship of his new book to the first 200 students to sign up for his course. Students are told to take advantage of this "once-in-a-lifetime limited offer."

With a day left in the shopping period, and with the curriculum at the brink of collapse, the Core Committee calls an emergency meeting. As Dean of the Faculty Jeremy R. Knowles presides, discussion deadlocks amidst conflicting interests and overlapping loyalties. Knowles tells his secretary to "get the president on the phone."

Wednesday, February 10: Study Cards are due. Even as students file their study cards in their houses, President Neil L. Rudenstine and the Board of Overseers intercede to suspend the Core for a year. The college switches back to the preregistration system, leaving the University of Chicago with the most rigid core curriculum in the nation.

Alexander T. Nguyen '99, a Crimson editor, is a social studies concentrator in Pforzheimer House.