POP CULTURE

Britney Spears. Presbyterians. Britney Spears. Prebyterians. Britney Spears. Presbyterians. Britney Spears. Presbyterians. Britney Spears. Prebyterians. Britney Spears. Presbyterians. Britney Spears. Presbyterians. Britney Spears. Prebyterians. Britney Spears. Presbyterians. Look closer.

WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER...

We'll be left with roaches, Cher,and Pokemon. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Pokemon: The First Movie (the Second Movie comes out in fewer than 8 months) racked up $52 million at the box office since opening and is pillaging parents' wallets and patience all over the country. But instead of me being irreverent, I'll just give you some telling quotes from recent newswires.... "The trading card shortages created scenes of despair as 'Pokemon'-obsessed youngsters in tears had their parents driving from one restaurant to another in search of the coveted giveaways...." "A studio spokesperson said she knew of several instances in which 'people were going in and buying out (movie) houses for their entire elementary school for Saturday morning.' 'These were real moms who had gotten together and decided to do this,' she added...." "The Pokemon frenzy may have even driven youngsters to crime. In the Los Angeles suburb of Rancho Palos Verdes, authorities reported Friday that two boys, ages 12 and 13, were arrested this week for allegedly stealing 171 Pokemon trading cards from classmates at their middle school and from students at three nearby elementary schools...." "The box office surge follows a phone frenzy last week. The Warner Bros. switchboard took about 70,000 calls a minute after a televised offer for free tickets to the 'Pokemon' premiere last Saturday. The flurry crashed the studio's voice mail system...." "'Kids love the fact it's their own language,' a toy company rep said. 'They really enjoy becoming experts at something. It empowers them and builds their confidence....You become part of the fantasy as you try to become a Pokemon master."

Whatever. All I know is that this is the biggest, most unexplainable phenomenon since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And Ninja Turtles were way cooler.

CALLING ALL JUSTIN TIMBERLAKES

Last week I promised info to all of you prospective boy band members who dream of prepubescent fame, photo shoots for Teen People and wardrobe upon wardrobe of matching sweatsuits. Remember how big I said reality TV was going to be? Well, it turns out that ABC is in the midst of preparing "O-Town," a show produced by the same people who made "The Real World." "O-Town" tracks the rise to fame of five 18-24 year old wannabe stars who form a boy band. Episode one begins with the boys' auditioning and by the end of the season, ABC is betting that we'll have a weekly behind-the-scenes look at the newest pop culture phenomenon. It gets better. Guess who the producer of the actual band will be? That's right, Lou Pearlman, founder of 'NSync, Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears. ABC and Jive are both betting on "O-Town" to be a mega-success. Check out www.bunim-murray.com for more info on how you can be a superstar... (I'm assuming that you have to be white, be from either Kentucky or Idaho, go to church, can't swear, can't be fat, have to be able to lip synch etc. etc.).

My question, of course, is why everyone thinks this is a good idea. Think about it for a sec. Sure, we'll watch the first couple of weeks, but who's going to listen to a band when we know how lame the members were to begin with? Would any girl still scream at the Backstreet Boys if she watched videotapes of the boys milking cows or shoveling manure out in a Nebraska cornfield? Or an 'NSync member learning to lose his southern accent with a voice coach? In any case, unless they edit severely, we might be amused by the recurring spice-boy dramas. Boy gets acne (i.e. Nick, May-Dec. 1997). Boy has illness and then recovers and writes triumphant ballad (i.e., Brian, Aug. 1998). Boy quits group, becomes U.N. ambassador (i.e., Ginger Spice, Jan. 1996). Band demands more money (i.e. Backstreet Boys, 'NSync 1999). Boy starts balding (i.e., A.J.) Boy starts dating Britney Spears secretly (i.e. Justin Timberlake, June 1999). And so on....

MY HEART WILL GO ON AND ON AND ON

No, no, this is not a bash Celine Dion blurb. Too easy. And plus, I kind of feel bad for her. She's a very talented singer who just has no clue (look up the idiom "blank expression" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of her). So it turns out that Thumper (or Tarzan--I call her various names, all reflective of her tendency to pound her chest in exultation) is writing an "intimate" autobiography to be released sometime next year. I have zero patience, so I came up with a possible page from the forthcoming biography.

(Translated from French by me) "One day, I was especially pleased with myself because Renee [my beautiful husband] told me that I hadn't changed since the day we got married. That was such a special day in my childhood. I was a blossoming, bosomy young girl of 12, and Renee was a mature and handsome man of 45. And our relationship has been so wonderful, so passionate-- he is like a wine that gets better with age. We will have children soon and I will sing them epic love ballads every night before they fall asleep. And they can help Renee walk up and down the stairs in our 65-bedroom mansion since Renee will be well into his 90s by the time they start walking!

Renee bought me a small country yesterday along with a computer! He says I do not need that pad with the letters on them, so I just click on the e-mail (is that what you call it?) with the moose. Renee showed me how to look at pages dedicated to me! They are so wonderful, so full of passion and love. But my favorite page is the "Celine Dion Sucks" page which suggests that I am on a "quest for domination." But I am already #1! I have already won my Grammy! Barbra Streisand is my best friend! I must be more passionate! More beautiful! More full of love! They think that I sing so loud because I am "sexually frustrated." They compare my voice to a "screaming banshee who is being beaten with barbed wire and then being chopped up and fed to a rabid goat." Everyone knows that there are no goats in Canada. Then they suggest that I am not "pretty and sweet" like I seem, but rather "pure evil and not from this planet."

These people do not understand! God blessed me with a voice. Maybe I should sing louder.

Didn't Celine Dion say she was going to semi-retire for two years? Doesn't that mean from all public view? We don't want books, we don't want CD's (she just released another one!), we don't want to hear your voice or read your words for 730 days. Capiche?

Questions, Comments? E-mail schainan@fas