We admire them, we're repulsed by them, we're jealous of them, we're obsessed by them. Let's talk about celebrity...

GET A LIFE!

Last week, I told you the sad story of Garth Brooks' megalomania. But it's not just Garth who's desperate for acclaim. In fact, a good way to categorize celebrities might be those who want to be embraced by the world and those who just don't give a damn. Madonna, for instance, has a conniption every time she loses at an awards show (if you watched the Grammys closely last year, you might have seen her raging competitive fire). Even Steven Spielberg--who has everything, everything a man could possibly want in life--called his first Oscar "the best drink of water after the longest drought in my life." What the hell! Who cares! (And to prove he hasn't reevaluated his priorities, go back and watch his expression when he lost last year's Best Picture Oscar to Harvey Weinstein and the Shakespeare in Love team.) On the other side of the coin are artists like Johnny Depp and Daniel Day-Lewis (I'd even put Prince or the Artist or whatever in this category), "celebrities" who are perfectly content to hone their craft and avoid the mainstream. Unfortunately, most Hollywood celebrities are desperate for "respect," a supposed consequence of winning an award. Instead, it provides a fleeting gush of self-importance which soon lapses into a renewed drive for something bigger and better. Leave it to "Politically Incorrect" host Bill Maher to sum it up best: "It always bugs me when people win awards and thank God. God could give a rat's ass if you win an MTV award."

FALSE ALARMS

Worse than the celebrities who crave public and critical acclaim are the celebrities who whine. If I hear one more ninny complain about feeling "imprisoned," the "corruption" in Hollywood, or their "exhausting publicity schedule," I'll start muting my television every time an interview comes on. If a celebrity is going to whine, let him or her take action. Real action. Because phony, see-through action, you see, is lame. Case #1: Anne Heche and Ellen Degeneres claimed last year that they were "dumping their agents and quitting Hollywood for good." They lasted less than a year. They're back and desperately searching for new projects. Case #2: Anthony Hopkins whined last year that "I've got to get out because acting is very bad for one's mental health. I have wasted my life. To hell with this stupid show business." He promptly signed on for a role in the film version of Titus Andronicus, will reprise his role as Hannibal Lechter soon after and has been seen cavorting at parties and premieres almost every weekend. Case #3: Liam Neeson claimed that he had gotten sick of acting after filming The Phantom Menace and vowed to quit. As if. He was back in The Haunting and stars opposite Sandra Bullock (who herself said she wanted to take a two year "hiatus") in this winter's Gunshy. Case #4: Jim Carrey, in this month's Vanity Fair, threatens to quit if the business gets any more "selfish." Don't believe him. Celebrities whine and whine, but what happens once they start missing the roaring fans, having to drive their own cars, answer their own phone calls, and--gasp!--do their own laundry? They start stalking the papparazzi. This time I'll leave it to the eloquent and clever Sharon Stone, who always gets things right: "I got to be tall and blond and a movie star--that's a lot to get in life."

CELEBRITY CENTRAL

Melissa Joan Hart can't run around posing almost nude in Maxim and ranting on about how "If I have good sex, then the next day I am going to tell everyone I know about it. Everyone," if she expects to keep her job as a TGIF girl. Plus, I have a feeling that if she gets fired from "Sabrina", nobody will be rushing to hire her anytime soon....What is up with Mira Sorvino? She wins an Oscar, she conquers the world, and then she sinks like the Titanic. She's made like 30 bad movies in a row (including the dreadful At First Sight). And then to stoop even lower, she ruined her wonderful entrance at the MTV Video Music Awards by gushing on and on about Prince (or the Artist or whatever); he, meanwhile, didn't even crack a smile. She might find herself in Chain Gang 3: Prison Babes Mutiny if she doesn't pull a John Travolta....Here's a good quote from Tori Spelling: "I read the most appalling stuff about myself: 'She has bug eyes,' 'Her hair looks like straw.' I was like, 'Ok, I could use a little conditioner, but - God!"....And finally, kudos to John Malkovich for participating in the feature-film wackjob Being John Malkovich. It's no secret that the guy is the weirdest man in Hollywood-- but it's good to see that he recognizes his own eccentricity. Look for our mega-feature on Being John Malkovich on Oct. 22, when we give you interviews with Malkovich, Cameron Diaz, John Cusack and lots more mega-celebrities.

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR MASCULINE SIDE

I sneaked a peek at Fight Club, the new Brad Pitt and Edward Norton drama, this week at an advance press screening - and I'm still confused. Here's one promise: I guarantee you that you won't form a crystallized opinion on this one for days. It's too complex, too torturous and just too damn bizarre to simply categorize, label and tuck away in a neat corner of approvals or disapprovals. The plot in a nutshell: Norton, disillusioned with his yuppiedom, finds solace in beating Brad Pitt to a bloody pulp (and vice versa). Suddenly, fighting becomes a way for men to unleash their anger without limits or consequence. But, of course, mayhem ensues. It's a David Fincher flick; he's one of my favorite directors because he never gives you an "easy" movie. Seven, of course, spooked its way to the top of the box office but I still think 1995's The Game is a better movie--it's artistic, it's surprising, and it's almost perfect. Same thing with Fight Club--though it's hard to endure a second time, you'll have to see it twice to get it. One thing's for sure: it's under my skin. I've been dreaming about it for days. We'll look at Fight Club and yuppie madness in next week's Arts section. And we'll give you multiple perspectives to help you out.