Some change for the better, some change for the worse, others don't change at all

PLEASE CAREY HER AWAY!

Mariah Carey desperately needs a) clothes b) new songwriters and c) a good five year vacation because lord knows, we're all sick of her. When she burst onto the scene with shrilly bubblegum pop and the trademark range, everyone figured she'd last one year, maybe two. Sure, the songs were catchy (but so were Ace of Base's and look how long they stuck around). But for some reason--even the experts can't explain this one-- she's still making albums. And people buy them! Why??! Every song is the same! Every album is the same! They even have the same titles! "Dreamlover" -- "Heartbreaker," "Fantasy"--"Honey," "Butterfly"--"Rainbow"--"Daydream", etc. The girl is so afraid to go out a limb and try something new that she's even sampling herself--"Heartbreaker," like "Fantasy," borrows liberally from Tom Tom Club's "Genius of Love" (Test: sing "Fantasy's" verses to yourself and then sing "Heartbreaker's" verses. See?) And worst of all--and those of you who read this column last week know just how unforgivable I think this is--she's an awards whore. She's one of those celebrities who shows up at every awards show that's she's nominated for--and even the one's for which she's not nominated (Mariah, if you're not nominated, you can't win). The MTV's, the People's Choice, the Cable Ace Awards, the Tonys, the Teen People's Choice, the Soul Train Awards, the Oscars, the Daytime Emmys--you get the picture. In a recent documentary about her new video for "Heartbreaker," she begged MTV to nominate her for a Video Music Award. Pathetic, Mariah, pathetic. I think Madonna summed it up best on this one: "The same people who set O.J. free are the same people who made Mariah Carey a star."

PACEY AND JOEY? A DAWSON'S DILEMMA

This one's for you, all you teensploitation junkies. Those of you who watch the clock during your late afternoon section on Wednesday, just waiting for the clock to jump to 7:59. Because come 8:00, you and your friends will be piled up in front of the TV watching Dawson, Joey, Jen, Pacey and pals immerse themselves in a vat of teenage angst. Dawson's Creek is addictive television. It's not particularly well-written, the acting isn't great, and the storylines are pretty obvious--but it's just so damn compelling. Last season, things started to drag when the writers, for some reason, found the parents worthy of a full-fledged subplot, but now the 'rents have mysteriously disappeared and the action's heating up. It seems many Dawson's purists are livid about the slow but methodical inertia towards a Pacey-Joey hook-up. "But that will cause turmoil in Capeside's microcosmic universe!" they cry in unison. Pacey, after all, is meant for Andie. And Joey and Dawson, well, will forever be Joey and Dawson (like Brenda and Dylan). But think about this. Why'd you watch the show in the first place? Week after week, James Van Der Dork is obsessive compulsive and downright boring, and Andie, bless her heart, is pummeled each and every week by the writers' new sadistic storyline. But who made the show worth it in the first place? Yes, yes, darling Joey and smarmy Pacey. Can you even think of a better couple? (I hear they dated in real life. Scandal!) And the others? Put Dawson and Andie together-- they're both filled with enough angst to last several spinoffs. Hook Jack up with the football player he keeps eyeballing. And Jen? Ahhhh Jen. Here's my solution: Dawson's dad is on the market, isn't he?

BULWORTH, PART DEUX