Heathers:

"My teenage angst bullshit has a body count!" And so, Veronica Sawyer, god-daughter of teenage troubles, instigated the rebirth of the noir movement. People in Black (PIBs), Veronica and J.D. do battle with the forces of popularity and color coordination amidst the perils of keggers, footballers, and homophobic cow-tippers. And the winner is: black and blue angst and no "dark horse" date to the prom.

Wild Things:

Queen of suffering, Neve Campbell, moves from the touchy-feely Salinger compound to the balmy backswamps of Florida, with her sorry teenage schtick in tow. Gothic to the max! "The Big Sleep" for the hetero-pervert.

Dawson's Creek:

Brings angst to the everyday. And all the everyday needs is more angst. Watching J. Crew "models" trying to get laid is enough to make the average College Joe turn to Prozac.

The current craze for electronica:

Guess what? No longer do "sensitive musicians" have to use words to emote. Add a few Der Fuhrer-esque samples and some pregnant silences, toss with machine-gun beats, and you're the new alternative for teenagers who "feel so alone."

"Faces of Death" video series (eighth grade angst): Soon-to-be Marilyn Manson-ites learned the beauty of bloodshed watching angry bears attack fat campers in this gem of the '80s.

The Prom:

Who's going to ask you? What are you going to wear? How much is it going to cost? Is that, your boyfriend with what's-her-face? Have you had too much to drink? Donna Martin Graduates! 'Nuff said.

Ben Folds Five:

I've got a brick and I will hold you under, you rich little pricks.

Omigod, I graduate in two months!:

Listen, Omigod, Merrill Lynch has cut me from second rounds but I landed another interview with D.L.J.

Is I-banking for me?:

No.

Pat Benatar:

She's "a real tough cookie with a long history." Red-gloss lipsticked, black shades-wearing, teased hair-sporting, '80s Super Diva, "put up her dukes" and "let us get down to it" with her pain-rock. Her "best shots" hit below the belt every time! Thanks to MAS and ICP