Dear Prefrosh,

If you're really worthy of Harvard, you're already jockeying for your place in the pantheon. You know where you're going and you're taking the shortest route to get there. FM fully supports such sociopathic tendencies, if only for prurient reasons. Just to give you a leg up on the rest of your peers (they're thinking just like you are, so you don't have a moment to spare) we're giving you this advice: it all comes down to what you're doing during the last few weeks before your first year at Harvard. What's it going to be: FUP, FAP or FOP? The people you meet, the tasks you accomplish and the brainwashing you receive in these "programs" have long-lasting implications for the rest of your life. 1. FUP

Within FUP there are two branches: we will call them PBH and IOP:

a.) PBH

You will emerge from your FUP experience possessed by a burning desire to serve. Over the course of your four years, you will rise through the ranks of Phillips Brooks House, firing salvoes of bitter invective at University Hall. After you graduate, you will join the Peace Corps or City Year, eager to put yourself to good use. Soon, however, you will grow disgruntled and go to business school. Then you will become an "environmental consultant."

b.) IOP

Having mastered the art of the obligatory public service appearance, you will join the ranks of fresh-faced politicos, organizing pizza dinners and panels at the Arco. If you are male, your sophomore year you will join the Porcellian, learn which way the folds on a cummerbund go and make great connections. If you are female, you will join the Undergraduate Council. 2. FAP

There are two branches of FAP. We will call them "Arts" and "Letters." However, you will all join the Signet and collaborate on small works of theater together. After graduating, you will go into "arts consulting." 3. FOP

FOP is the grandaddy of all the FPs. FOP prepares you for a lifelong career as a camp counselor or a motivational speaker. The decision-making skills you learn on FOP enable you to discuss issues of "trust" and "selfhood" endlessly with a straight face. Unfortunately, FOP also leaves participants with an addiction to synthetic pile and to Gore-Tex outerwear.