Dear Dr. Know,

I'm a pre-frosh. I'm not entirely sure if I want to come to Harvard next year. Should I or should I not? Give it to me straight, Dr. K.

Pre-Frosh Patty

Dear Patty,

Dr. K thinks Harvard is getting lamer by the minute. With the new no smoking policy and a university crack down on gambling, who's having fun anymore?

Where Dr. Know comes from, girls in college run for student government or secretary of Kappa Kappa Gamma. At this place, any self-respecting lady wants to head a mutual fund like The Charles River Growth Fund. Pah-lease.

On that note, watch out for the social-climbing types and do exactly what they do. If you want to affect any coolness over the weekend you need some Dr. K tips.

Tip #1: Don't try to use your white pseudo-ID card. It doesn't do anything. It only looks cool to you and your friends at home. Don't expect to stop traffic (or open a door) flashing that worthless crap.

Tip #2: Be sure to drop names and sound like you know what you are talking about. These are good things to say:

"I think I'll be hitting a Final Club tonight."

"I'm interested in concentrating in Hist and Lit."

Don't say:

"Isn't there a party at the Lion's Club tonight?"

"I'm interested in majoring in semiotics."

Tip #3: Stay away from all scheduled programming. Hang out on the grass, smoke cigarettes and pretend like you belong. You don’t, but this might be the most free time you'll ever have in Cambridge.

Dear Dr. Know,

I've been hanging out in Loker this semester but the pool table action is getting tired. Where should I go instead?

Bored with Billiards

Dear Billiards,

You're in luck because Dr. K has had a healthy sampling of Boston partying lately. Ever since this certified columnist has started avoiding the sophomoric C.S.G. like the plague, her complexion has become rosy and vibrant and her evenings chock full of sophistication. With glitsy night life options out there, Dr. K suggests you pass over local loser landmarks and head for the city in search of the dope-ass.

Last weekend Dr. K stumbled onto a little get together in Brookline at The Country Club. While not on the guest list, Dr. K fit blended in quite handsomely in her 1950s fashion. Supposedly a masquerade party, Dr. K only saw wannabe '50s and '20s get ups. Where's the creativity in the Harvard elite?

Dr. K couldn't take the slurred toasts and speeches, so she started wondering around the manicured grounds in search of posh outhouses. When she bumped into one of the hot security guys, Dr. Know started a party of her own. There's just something about a man with a walkie talkie ("cake in four minutes, cake in four. over") to get a girl all a twitter. Besides, that '80s music made Dr. K want to shout, shout, let it all out.

So let Dr. K sum this up: the hot tip for this spring and summer is to keep away from the smelly armpit scenes of Boston's meat market clubs or the trite local offerings. It's all about the private get-togethers. Keep it exclusive, keep it pretentious and, as always, keep Dr. Know on the guest list.