Dear Dr. Know,

I'm a pre-frosh. I'm not entirely sure if I want to come to Harvard next year. Should I or should I not? Give it to me straight, Dr. K.

Pre-Frosh Patty

Dear Patty,

Dr. K thinks Harvard is getting lamer by the minute. With the new no smoking policy and a university crack down on gambling, who's having fun anymore?

Where Dr. Know comes from, girls in college run for student government or secretary of Kappa Kappa Gamma. At this place, any self-respecting lady wants to head a mutual fund like The Charles River Growth Fund. Pah-lease.

On that note, watch out for the social-climbing types and do exactly what they do. If you want to affect any coolness over the weekend you need some Dr. K tips.

Tip #1: Don't try to use your white pseudo-ID card. It doesn't do anything. It only looks cool to you and your friends at home. Don't expect to stop traffic (or open a door) flashing that worthless crap.

Tip #2: Be sure to drop names and sound like you know what you are talking about. These are good things to say:

"I think I'll be hitting a Final Club tonight."

"I'm interested in concentrating in Hist and Lit."

Don't say:

"Isn't there a party at the Lion's Club tonight?"

"I'm interested in majoring in semiotics."

Tip #3: Stay away from all scheduled programming. Hang out on the grass, smoke cigarettes and pretend like you belong. You don’t, but this might be the most free time you'll ever have in Cambridge.