I've fallen in love with a man--Jerry Springer. Whether you seek bare breasts, gratuitous violence or insightful social commentary, Springer's show delivers on a daily basis.

You may think his brand of broadcasting disreputable and sleazy. Yeah, but it's really funny. "The Jerry Springer Show" airs weekdays at noon on the WB network. It is a one-hour oasis of mindless debauchery in the midst of our existential malaise.

There are essentially three basic models from which Jerry derives his daily spectacle. One, angry black Americans confront the Ku Klux Klan. Two, partners confess that they are less than faithful. And finally, my personal favorite, husbands attempt to convince their stripper wives to hang up their G-strings. Allow me to elaborate on the full splendor of these seemingly simple templates that form the groundwork of Jerry's genius.

Each time Jerry brings black militants and white supremacists together on stage, its anybody's guess as to what will happen. Those with any capacity for rational thought will guess that violence will ensue. And indeed it does. In addition to the pure joy of watching a scrawny Caucasian adorned in swastikas getting his ass kicked, these broad-casts also get you thinking about ancient Near Eastern history. At least once during every appearance by the Klan, Jerry is assigned sole responsibility for the death of Christ. All in all, I think we can agree that Jerry's doing his part to continue the healing dialogue called for by the president.

Jerry's programs concerning infidelity in relationships always bring a tear to the eye. The sight of young love shattered by a seductive transvestite really shakes your confidence in our system of monogamy. Consider the following friendly advice: If your significant other asks you to appear on the Jerry Springer Show, you might want to get tested for the clap. She or he is going to confess to countless affairs with members of the opposite, same and ambiguous sex. While on the program, the fact that you've had a few dalliances with barnyard animals should not mitigate your moral indignation. You should express outrage at your betrayal, probably by throwing a chair. Oh, and by the way, if you're concealing your true gender, this would be a good time to reveal that, too.

Strippers, porn stars and prostitutes are extremely loyal to their chosen profession. If you marry one, the chances that they will suddenly embrace a secretarial career are not good. Jerry's staff has a remarkable talent for hunting down hookers with unhappy husbands. At least once a week, you can enjoy their marital spats from the comfort of your own home. If you're lucky, and you will be, the Mrs. will choose to demonstrate her independence by removing her clothing. At this point, Jerry will likely turn his head away in shame, astonished by the sordid exhibition he has inadvertently unleashed. After all, Jerry's just trying to save a marriage.

If these three archetypes have not whetted your appetite for more Springer, then you are abnormal. Jerry is the reigning talk show king of America, having recently unseated Oprah and her book club. Jerry has tapped into the pulse of the heartland, resurrected the spirit of the circus sideshow and rescued breast-milk fetishists from the social margins.

Sure, Jerry has his critics. Some claim he exploits human misery for entertainment, decry the sex and violence and lament the influence he may have on younger viewers.

But so what? The guests come on the show voluntarily. The showcase of fisticuffs and nudity does not exactly stand out in the wasteland of our popular culture. And as for the kids, they'll probably learn more from Jerry's "final thought" than from their Sunday school teacher. (For the uninitiated, Jerry's "final thought" is a surprisingly profound social commentary that concludes every broadcast.)

The talk show is probably not Western civilization's finest achievement, but if there's any man who has made the most out of this senseless medium, it's Jerry. His program is consistently amusing, and he is unabashedly honest about its utter lack of social worth.

Based on the number of Jerry Springer's Too Hot for TV videocassettes that circulate on this campus, it is clear that Jerry already has a sizable Harvard following. More fans can only translate into good things for our collective psyche. There are few qualities I find more frightening in 20-year-olds than good taste and refinement. So, come Monday at noon, tune in to Jerry. In the meantime, as our venerable host is wont to utter, take care of yourselves-and each other.

Noah D. Oppenheim '00 is a social studies concentrator in Adams House. His column appears on alternate Fridays.