It's not too late to start stockpiling your arsenal of geeky gadgetry for next year's round of Quincy assassin. Recreate the excitement you thought you'd never feel after you cashed out in that last fateful oh-so-epic Dungeons and Dragons marathon. The rules of the game are subtle and nuanced; if you want a primer, just listen in on one of the shouted diatribes going on outside Quincy. With a vehemence worthy of a second grade game of dodgeball, armed-to-the-teeth paramilitary forces discuss their complex hors do combat. Particularly problematic is the notion of the "neutral zone." The arms race reached absurd heights this year, as Quincy assassin went from simply being an absurd waste of time to an absurd waste of money, as well. With walkie-talkie headsets and wrist blasters, "Assassin" troopers aspire toward Boba Fett (dude, that was so stupid how he died; I couldn't believe it, he was such a badass) but remain definitely Playskool. The paragon of dorkiness.

Is this a local problem or indicative of a campuswide epidemic? Consider the explosion of "Goldeneye," the Nintendo game which has everybody from C.S. to the A.D. staying in on the weekend just to blow away the bad guys. Stepping into James' squeaky-clean shoes and kicking some evil arss is a classy way to spend an evening. Unlike its futuristic precursor "Doom," "Goldeneye" includes a final level in which James graphically seduces a Russian double agent. Haven't gotten there? Keep playing!

FM recommends the following course of action: Get these people into coolness rehab fast! If you want to "spice up you life" and chase away the banality of the everyday routine, FM can think of several ways of living life by seat of your tailored trousers. But whatever you do, go outside!

Those who actually have strayed from their cagelike dormitories may have noticed that Spring wardrobe time is here. To elicit just the right response, FM suggests the Lolita Look. While fashion guru Marc Jacobs has advocated the parochial pleated skirt look this season, also called 'the sorority girl look," we suggest aiming a little younger. Think: pubescent.

French schoolgirl with peddle pushers, those slim-legged pants which end just below the knee. Make a bee-line to Urban Outfitters or you local vintage shop and invest in some peddle-pushers to cultivate that under-age look. Models do it, so can you.

When it comes to the underclassman look, Harvard seniors know where to do their recruiting: Annenberg. Rumor has it that a new strain of senioritus has hit the big H with the big girls hankering for little boys. "Forget about asking out a classmate," said one randy Winthrop senior, "I want to score a hot freshman guy--hell, I'll never have to see him again in my life."

For the truly desperate, don't forget the old standby: Pre-Frosh Weekend. With lots of highschooly kids running around looking to be impressed with some collegiate know-how.