To the editors:

Re "Advancing the Gay Rights Debate" (Opinion, Nov. 2): I would hope that in reading this letter Hugh Liebert will open his mind, his heart and his soul, and leave behind the anger and fear I saw in his recent article.

Five years ago, my sister shared with me that her son is gay. Since I was close to my nephew, I asked why he did not "come out" to me--only to be told that he was afraid I would reject him. This really saddened me. I called him immediately and told him that I loved him. It was the first time I realized that someone I knew and loved was gay.

Then, three years ago, my daughter, now a senior in Eliot House, came out to me as a lesbian. Smack! That's when I really found out how ignorant I was. A lot of questions surfaced: How could this have happened? What did I do? What will the Church say? But the strongest feeling that came forward through all of this was that I knew I loved my daughter, and I wanted to continue to have unconditional love for her. And I thank God for that.

The love for my daughter--and a year of internal turmoil--brought me to PFLAG (Parents, Friends, and Families of Lesbians and Gays). Educating myself through experience and through PFLAG has been the best thing that has happened to me in terms of coming to understand who my daughter and my nephew are. I believe, at this point, that being gay is not a choice. Why would somebody choose this lifestyle only to be persecuted for it?

When my daughter told me she was a lesbian, the saddest part was that I was (and am) constantly worried that others will hurt her because of who she is. And I am extremely saddened by the thought that someone would not get to know and love my daughter just because she is a lesbian. Because, you see, my daughter is a beautiful person, inside and out.

I have three daughters, and I believe that all three of them have the same basic human rights to be who they want to be, and to love whom they want to love. Through my relationship with my lesbian daughter and through PFLAG, I realized that I could love other gay and lesbian people as well. I attended the SpeakOut (formerly the Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Speakers Bureau of Boston) training to further educate myself, to stretch my own boundaries.

I don't always understand what I learn from my interactions with the gay community, but I never close my mind. And listening to the different stories of family rejection or personal courage, I realized just what it takes for anybody who is different from you or me simply to find a place in this society, and to be treated with dignity and respect.

In response to Liebert's discussion of religion, I should say that I am a Catholic. I was baptized and married in the Catholic church, and that cannot be taken away from me. I love my God, and I believe He loves me--and every person that He has allowed to be created on His earth. How could I think that He could not love my daughter when her father and I created her in love? I believe that God, too, gives her unconditional love.

As far as Liebert wishes to focus on the "corrosive effects on the institution of marriage," well, I do not believe lesbianism is corrosive. If gay people choose to be married, I believe that should be their legal right. When he writes that "unions which do not produce virtuous citizens should not be accepted," is he implying that my husband and I should not be accepted? We produced our daughter, and she is a lesbian, but we do not believe that she is not a "virtuous citizen."

I ask everyone who is reading this to understand that it took me time and education to come to acceptance. I ask you to be open-minded. I invite you to educate yourself on gay and lesbian issues; seek out PFLAG or another organization.

But if you cannot or will not educate yourself, or if you cannot come to accept and celebrate the gay and lesbian people in your lives, at least be tolerant. People who are different from you are not hurting you; please do not hurt them. JANICE A. DEBLOSI   Nov. 3, 1998   Medford, Mass.