No Relation to Jimmy

Thank God for Beth A. Stewart '00!

In the fine tradition of Sinclair Lewis, Stewart not only exposed the injustice of having to walk down to the river for lunch, but lifted the student body up from the squalor by providing them with Fly-By lunches. We here at Dartboard are waiting for this semester's innovations (assuming, of course, that an Undergraduate Council is ever seated), and we have three requests of the College's own Mr. Smiths as they go to Harvard Hall:

1. Put the Ibis back on top of the Lampoon Castle. Everyone knows that scurrilous under-graduate politicos have squirreled the unfortunate bird away in University Hall and, frankly, the remainder of the College community wants that little fowl-ic symbol of good humor back.

2. End the flow of illegal immigrants from Somerville. They take our seats in lecture and beat us up for our lunch money, and it's obvious to all of us that they are the real power behind the Dean of the College's throne. Something must be done!

3. Abolish the outdated practice of giving preference to seniors in Core lotteries. So what if they only have two semesters left, the offerings are scanty and the Warren Court was the only class they could fit into their busy schedules of theses, extracurriculars and fun? They can have all the fun they want in their ninth semester next fall.

So go forth, Ms. Stewart, and may the rest of the Undergraduate Council soon be with you. T.J. KELLEHER

Reclaiming the Sever Steps

Dartboard has had it with traffic obstructions in front of Sever Hall. Only yesterday, a duo of idiotic tourists were playing the I-can-hear-you game in H.H. Richardson's Romanesque arch at precisely 10:05 a.m. Talk about bad timing! Hundreds of students barreled up the steps and we at Dartboard couldn't resist throwing an elbow at these over-jolly acoustic inquisitors. Silly tourists, Dartboard suggests you pick up a clue at the Harvard Coop, along with a tacky University sweat-shirt, and stay out of our way.

But Dartboard is in a good mood this week and we can forgive those out-of-towners. When it comes to the accessibility of Sever Hall, students are the most heinous offenders. Dartboard condemns those among us who feel compelled to dilly-dally in front of the building conspicuously chatting with friends, smoking cigarettes for all the world to see. Must you advertise your social adroitness and congest the step with your morning schmooze? Puh-leeze!

Here's the bottom line: It's time to reclaim Sever and get the tourists and poseurs out of the way.   JONATHAN S. PAUL

Able Was I, Ere I Saw Elba

Dartboard was surfing the Web recently when we stumbled upon a real gem, Resignation.com. Arianna Huffington, our favorite Greek-heiress-turned-pundit, has had her minions construct a site in tribute to that most dramatic of political statements--quitting. The site includes a history of notable leaders who have thrown in the towel, a list of publications which have called for the President to step down and an opportunity for people to issue their own call for Clinton's surrender.

Then there's the site-sponsored contest, "Predict History." Here visitors help make resignation a bit easier by composing the President's farewell speech for him. The winner will earn a trip to the island of Elba, Napoleon's retreat after he called it a day. Another contest involves predicting the date and hour of the President's resignation. The winner earns a trip to wherever the First Family flees after the moment of ultimate disgrace.

Conscientious citizens should consider it their obligation to visit Resignation.com. Did you know that Winston Churchill resigned? Perhaps our President should stick around after all. Winston doesn't really deserve Slick Willie's kind of company.   NOAH D. OPPENHEIM