It's been said that the definition of a professor is someone who knows more and more about less and less until one knows everything about nothing. But most students see their professors as human Zippo lighters that ignite waning intellectual wicks. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, to find that these foaming fonts of knowledge prove just as resourceful in tantalizing salivating hedonistic palates as academic ones.

For readers' scanning pleasure, here lies the quickie Unofficial Guide to Life at Harvard Faculty Style. Six profs, five specialties and five ways to get some food, some liquor, some drama, some movie action, or to just plain get a little sumpin'-sumpin'.

ON THE STAGE

Who: Professor Stephen Greenblatt, English Literature

Teaches: English 124c: "Shakespearean Conjuring"

Best place to scope out the Bard's work:

Greenblatt claims to be too new in town to be down on this one, but he does proffer lavish kudos to the student-run Hyperion Theatre Company for their rendition of Hamlet. "It was brilliant and rivaled the marvelous production I saw several years at the ART [American Repertory Theatre]," quoth the prof.

How to get some Shakey, baby:

Hamlet closed just two weekends past, but the Hyperion players will be staging their traditional al fresco performance in the Yard during the spring ARTS FIRST Weekend. Stay tuned.

ON VODKA

Who: Professor Svetlana Boym, Slavic Language and Literatures

Teaches: Slavic 145b: "Russian Literature in Translation: The 20th Century Tradition"

Best brand of vodka:

Not to be a traitor to the Motherland or anything, Boym says she prefers sake to vodka. But if it's going to be vodka, it's absolutely Absolut. "Because I like the name," explains Boym. Although when she's expecting guests or grad students she says she buys Stolichnaya, just to "live up to their expectations of Russian-ness."

How to get Absolut-ly smashed: