On the last time I will have this forum to address Fair Harvard, I have decide to create, in the proud tradition of the high school yearbook, a Senior Last Will and Testament of my own.
To President Rudenstine: A faculty that reflects the diversity of the student body.
To President Wilson: A bigger budget, more t-shirts for students, and a campus closer to the Yard.
To Dean Lewis: Some allies.
To Professor Sandel: A talk-show gig.
To Professor DeVore: A class taken for its subject matter rather than its title.
To Professor Kugel: Enrollment greater than Ec 10.
To Professor Feldstein: A lascivious limerick.
To FAS operations guru Bob Mortimer: Universal key card access and an occasional snow day.
To Menu Man: Love from the girls of Winthrop B-42. Mornings won't be the same without you.
To OCS: Thirty clones of William Wright-Swadel.
To the Harvard University Police Department: Thirty clones of Officer Mo Morrison.
To Harvard Dining Services: Thirty clones of Menu Man, plus 24-hour chickwich bars in every dining hall.
To FAS computer services: Immortality for the late and much lamented husc7.
To the MAC: Equipment to compete with Wellbridge.
To the final clubs: Entertainment as good as the Leverett House '80s dance.
To the BAT team: More creative subtraction.
To the Undergraduate Council: Real reform--and a Springfest band we've heard of.
To the Core Committee: Moral reasoning.
To Widener: Students who are actually there to use the library.
To Lamont: Widener's reputation.
To the Science Center: A second Greenhouse.
To Loker: Greenhouse pizza.
To 2 Divinity Avenue: A new location in the Yard.
To William James Hall: A new location in the Yard.
To Annenberg Hall: A butter pat on the ceiling.
To the Barker Center: A butter pat on the ceiling.
To the John Harvard statue: An umbrella.
To the River Houses: More DeWolfes.
To the Quad Houses: A monorail to the Yard.
To the Yard Dorms: One hundred German tourists.
To the Union Dorms: A single reason anyone would want to live there now that meals are in Annenberg.
To the juniors: A cool off-year Commencement speaker.
To the sophomores: A fruitful remaining year as patrons of the Grille.
To the first-years: The ability to overcome the stigma of being the "naught" class year.
To the pre-frosh: A satisfying life without Chelsea.
To the graduate students: One last sneer. Especially if you're a T.F.
To Harvard Square: Peruvian flute players on every corner.
To the Coop: A refund--no, giving it to us.
To the Tasty: An ever-lasting lease.
To the Wursthaus: A second coming.
To the Kong: Three egg rolls to go.
To Grafton's: A "One Potato Two Potato" commemorative booth.
To the Pro: Less Attention to Detail.
To the Grille: The best years of our lives.
To UHS: A clue.
To people who claim there's grade inflation at Harvard: A clue.
To section leaders who require weekly response papers: A clue.
To the Spare Change man who calls me 'Big Guy': A clue.
To Our Academic Advisors: Who?
To the Director's Bloc: Harumpf.
To the Lampoon: Humor--and the guts to top this fall's Ibis World Tour.
To the Independent: Their own news sources--and softball skills.
To the Harvard Crimson: 123 more years. It has been a pleasure.
This is Corinne E. Funk's final column.
Read more in Opinion
The Facts About Farmworkers