One evening in late July, I was channel surfing, looking for something sufficiently mindless, when I came across a Charles Bronson film festival. "Chow Down With Chuck!" ordered the WABU 68 announcer, so I did. Ah, the campy violence! The atrocious special effects! The liberal use of the bluescreen! The painfully illogical plot! The script wrought with Dadaist precision! In a fit of foolish idealism, I blurted to my roommate, "You know, we sure have come a long way, at least in terms of action films."

Having experienced The Jackal (working title: Aging Hunks Shoot It Out), I wish to publicly retract that statement. Director Michael Caton-Jones, of Rob Roy fame (or ignominy, depending on how you see it), has created for us a confused jumble of bad accents, loud music, stale techno-babble and Richard Gere. The studio swears it's a remake of the 1973 thriller Day Of The Jackal, but this Jackal resembles neither its predecessor nor the Frederick Forsythe novel on which it was based, except that it contains an international terrorist known only as "The Jackal."

The "plot" is as follows: a Russian crime lord wants to assassinate an American dignitary in revenge for an FBI hit on his brother. He enlists the help of The Jackal (Bruce Willis), the world's greatest assassin. The FBI gets wind of this and seeks the assistance of Declan Mulqueen (Richard Gere), former IRA terrorist and winner of this year's Most Ridiculous Character Name Award. Mulqueen and friends spend the movie trying to track the wily Jackal, who eludes them time and time again. Finally, a climactic scene occurs. In the interim, there is plenty of gore to tide you over. There is also a gay kiss featuring Bruce Willis. I guess some things have changed since Bronson laid down his revolver. Ellen Degeneres, meet The Jackal!

For the best viewing experience of The Jackal, use the following 10 tips:

1) Bring ear plugs. The blaring Russo-Celtic hip-hop that passes for a score persists long after the annoying opening montage has concluded.

2) Don't hope for any big surprises. The plot is strikingly generic, the "twist" is anticlimactic and predictable and the secret weapon is nothing more than a great big gun.

3) Suspension of Disbelief, Part One: Bruce Willis. The supposedly infallible Jackal is one sloppy assassin, especially when it comes to weaponry. His choice of a crude and bulky gatling gun undercuts reports of his slick methods. His use of a crude and bulky New York accent undercuts reports of his cosmopolitan savoir faire. On top of all that, he leaves the blueprints for his secret weapon lying around where the FBI can find them. So what sets this clumsy Jackal apart from other supercriminals? Well, he can (drumroll, please) change his haircolor! But so what? So can Dennis Rodman.

4) Suspension of Disbelief, Part Two: Richard Gere. Like many recent films (Blown Away, The Devil's Own), The Jackal has a special place in its heart for IRA terrorists. Such comprehensive forgiveness normally isn't extended to others who live on the moral margins, such as Islamic terrorists or Louise Woodward; but it allows Gere's Mulqueen, a convicted killer, to roam around unmanacled and largely unsupervised. The script strains to pardon Mulqueen's crimes by contrasting his noble, ideological struggle with the Jackal's vicious, gun-for-hire mentality, but both characters are so poorly developed that it's hard to care. What little friction there is between the two terrorists comes to nought.

5) Remember: Bruce Willis is the bad guy. Despite the script's best attempts to make Richard Gere sympathetic, his character is simply too ineffectual to earn the respect of your average, testosterone-charged action movie audience. Lines like, "Yes, I promise it will end. And I will end it," only make matters worse. As for Willis, he is sufficiently ruthless but seems a little bored by the whole affair.

6) Restrain yourself from going out and buying a Dodge Caravan after watching this movie; many of its scenes play like a Chrysler commercial (although Nissan also gets some exposure). The use of the familiar minivan as an instrument of terrorism turns out to be the most clever gag of the entire movie: nobody can find the infamous Jackal because he's driving the ubiquitous Caravan. Dodge Caravan: driven by soccer moms and international terrorists the world over.

7) Hope you think slow motion photography is the coolest thing since Pez. Hack director Caton-Jones certainly does. He also thinks the hyena and the jackal are the same animal. In both cases, he is very, very wrong.

8) Hope you like thinly veiled sexism. The women of The Jackal function only to jump-start the barely realized "vendetta" between Mulqueen and The Jackal. The film's best character by far, Major Valentina Koslova (Diane Venora), is wasted (literally and figuratively) to give the ineffectual Mulqueen another score to settle--a terrible thing to do to a strong, interesting female character. The script tries to redeem itself by giving Mulqueen's former girlfriend, Isabella (Matilda May), a key role in the resolution of the plot; but because her role is so impoverished throughout most of the film, the effect is more baffling than empowering.

9) Hope you like not-so-thinly veiled homophobia. The Jackal "penetrates" government security by seducing a gay civil servant. When he finally disposes of the poor man, the director makes the whole thing look like a big joke. Ha, ha, the gay man got shot! If you don't find this funny, you probably won't enjoy The Jackal.

10) Send your contributions to the Save Sidney Poitier's Career Foundation. The Oscar-winner plays the large but completely unremarkable role of the fatherly Agent Preston. Sidney, baby, what's a nice actor like you doing in a turkey like this? Sic the Jackal on your agent.

The verdict? Well, if you're just dying for a movie about an international man of mystery, go rent Austin Powers. Yeah, baby, yeah!