For some people, it's called "Freshman Week." For others, it's called Ramadan.

You know, the month-long period of fasting. People of Islamic faith choose to do it, forsaking food between sunrise and sunset. Here, upperclass students have to do it, forsaking non-greasy food for a week and a half. But while people of Islamic faith achieve a deeper sense of religious peace during their fast, Harvard students can only achieve a purple tongue during their fast.

Case in point: me. I arrived here in Cambridge on September 3, the day after Labor Day. Housing wasn't going to open for another few days, so I stayed in special pre-registration housing in Quincy House.

The dining halls were closed for that period of time, of course; it would be silly of them to open the dining halls before move-in day. So I survived by chowing down at local restaurants, figuring that a couple of days of it wouldn't be too bad.

Friday came, and upperclassmen and women started to move in. It was then I learned that the dining halls would be closed for another week.

That's right--another week. Why did they open the dorms before opening the dining halls? That's like giving us bed frames without mattresses, or keys but no door locks. Hello, Harvard people, it's called "room and board," not just "room."

So what did we students do? Get scurvy. For nine days, my vegetable intake consisted of the tomatoes on a Tommy's grinder. If I started to get rashes, I'd buy some orange juice at CVS.

As hell week went on, things started getting desperate. I felt like an onion appetizer at Chili's. I memorized all the posters at Mrs. Bartley's (like, this is your brain on hamburger grease). I actually considered eating at the Kong.

Look what I was reduced to! Can't we at least open Winthrop, for God's sake? Enough with this subsidization of Harvard Square businesses! Enough with this nickel-and-diming on a $29,000 tuition! Enough of the %$*ing Border!

You don't even know how much I drooled over the food eaten by the varsity athletes at Eliot. They have been here since late August for fall practices, so they continued to get the usual all-you-can eat-for-free fare.

But how would I have gotten in? I'm 5'10, about 130 lbs., and not very imposing. Can you picture this working?

[Checker]: Stop, wait a minute. What team are you on?

[Me, wearing a white baseball hat]: Uh...football?

[Checker]: (chuckles) What position?

[Me]: Uh...I'm a...kicker...foreign, uh, si, yo es de Mexico. Me yammo, uh, Erico Zendejas...