Hey, Noooorm!

You want to be Woody Harrelson, don't you? Admit it.

But if you've given up that dream, thinking you'd never master the complex skills needed to tend bar, despair not--Harvard Student Agencies (HSA) can help.

HSA offers a week-long Harvard Bartending Course every month for people who want to check out the money-making side of bar life.

During the first three classes students learn drink recipes.

On the last two nights--called Training and Intervention Procedures (TIPS)--novice bartenders learn to deal with customers who get a little too giddy after downing more than a few of the bartender's best concoctions.

Prospective students who hope to get some free booze at the lessons should forget about it.

"We're not legally allowed to use alcohol," says Karen Lau '98, who manages the course for HSA. Students use only colored water for the course, she says.

Assuaging fears that students might not serve that perfect martini without the all important taste test, Lau says the basic "technique is more important."

Although the legal drinking age in Massachusetts is 21, anyone who can hold a bottle in one hand and a shot glass in the other can take this course.

"We have people in high school," said Lau.

The man who teaches these budding bartenders is Adam J. Tocci, who according to Lau has eight or nine years of experience under his belt.

"He watches and gives...pointers" to the students, Lau said.

The number of students under his tutelage varies from month to month because it's a "very seasonal business," according to Lau. Classes tend to be bigger in the summer months.

Obtaining this prized expertise in alcohol is not cheap, but Harvard students can rest assured that they, at least, get a price break.

You could buy a lot of cheap beer for $110--the full price of the course. But without Tocci's expertise you won't be able to impress your friends with your astounding grasp of mixology.

Students who are interested only in the composition of their favorite party-time drinks can economize by taking just the first three classes in the course, which cost $60 for Harvard students and $70 for non-students.

But those who want to master the profession in the hopes of someday working for such well-known establishments as the Crimson Sports Grille must go on to the second section, TIPS.

As if midterms and finals aren't hard enough, TIPS has an exam at the end of its grueling, two-day session to test your liquor savvy.

Bars can get a discount on their liability insurance if a certain percentage of their bartenders are TIPS-certified, Lau says, and so those who plan to tend bar professionally are advised to take the full course.

But wait--there's more. Special "discounted bartending kits are available on the last night of the course," according to an advertising brochure published by HSA.

For $29.95, graduates get a steel shaker, mixing glass and corkscrew.

So by the time you emerge from the eye-opening, mind-expanding and liver-destroying experience, you should be ready to tend the bar at Cheers--or right down the street at the Grille--where everybody knows your name.