Since the Harvard Student Telephone Office has not yet published its student, faculty and staff directories for this year, the lines at 5-1000 have been buzzing. We at Dartboard would particularly like to compliment the male evening operator for his efficiency. He generally gives the query's first name before the number, and he only needs to hear a name's spelling once--a master at work.

But before we take advantage of this man's services, we often have to hear a bizarre mixture of music, Muzak and who-knows-what. (The revolutionary piped music system was first reported in the pages of the summer Crimson.) Some examples from Dartboard's private logs:

10:06 p.m. Several minutes of a sort of Asian-inspired country Muzak. Odd electronically-generated instruments sounding vaguely like kotos, but with a definite Nashville twinge. Who could have thought of this music? Time to alert Philip Glass.

2:32 p.m. A standard baroque trio sonata, we think. Telemann or perhaps one of the Bach sons. But it's over in a flash. Segue to standard piano Muzak, sounds like something familiar. Unbelievable--it's Bryan Adams' "I Do it for You." (Vomiting ensues.)

8:02 p.m. An operator answers! Damn it, he's thwarting the Dartboard research process. We wanted the music, not a phone number! There's the Faculty of Arts and Sciences gopher for that, after all. That is, unless you need a little elevator music in your day.